A Load of Lola
by Wensleydale Cheddar
Summary: South Park Aargh - Episode 915. While Cartman starts becoming obsessed with revenge on the new girl in school, everyone in Mr. Garrison's class is fed up with Cartman's sociopathic behaviour and they devise an ultimate plan to stop him. Rated T for the record.
1. Yes, We Do Open With Another Pony Song

_**Note: This introduction was written before Best Year Ever. I apologise for any redundancies. Also, sorry for posting a day late.**_

_**Hey there, guys, Wensleydale here. Sorry it's been so long since I last posted anything, but now I'm back with the ninth season of South Park Aargh! Prepare yourselves for three new episodes about the boys, their parents, Wendy, Jimmy, Fiona (I'm really surprised she's become a bit of a breakout character) and pretty much everyone else I'll want the main characters to share the limelight with. I will also post episode 1717 before the season premiere for special reasons, so that's something to look forward, too!**_

_**I want to thank you all for the awesome reviews you wrote during my absence. I can't remember if I responded to everyone, but I assure you I read each and every one and I am overcome with gratitude.**_

* * *

><p><em>[The usual disclaimer appears. After that, we see a stage. The spotlight follows Butters and Fiona who are dressed as TV hosts. The audience applauds]<em>

**BUTTERS**: Aw, gee, it's sure swell to see y'all here tonight, fellas!

**FIONA**: Aye, Butters, especially since we wanted tae annoonce important information tae ye fans o' Sooth Park Aargh!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, you're right, Fiona! Ever since our game, Stick of Truth, came out this year-

**FIONA**: Actually, it's aicht years frae noo.

**BUTTERS**: E-eight years from now?

**FIONA**: Aye. We're in Season 9, ye see. Stick o' Truth doesnae come oot until Season 17.

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, yeah, but this scene is out of continuity! Besides, at this point in time WDC just wrote this after playing the game.

**FIONA**: Oh, Ah see... Dae carry on.

**BUTTERS**: Uh, so, as the game shows us, me, E-eric, Kyle, Stan and Kenny live right next to one another. But, uh, WDC thought before that me, Eric and Kyle live on Bonanza Street and Stan and Kenny on Avenue de los Mexicanos! This becomes a m-minor plot point in "The Prince and the Porpoise"… So Fiona's plot never happened!

**FIONA**: _[pins a town map up on the curtain and touches the spot behind Stan's house with a pointer] _Aye, lad, yoo're reit. One other important thin' is the location o' me house. Insteid o' bein' next door, on th' left, it's reit haur! It's located sae 'at uir backyards ur reit next tae one anither. See? Ah live next tae th' playgroond now!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah! Next, w-we have been informed that the, uh, Woodland-

**CRAIG**: _[enters in the same suit as Butters]_ Nobody cares.

**FIONA**: Eh?

**CRAIG**: _[monotone] _No-one cares about the continuity in our show. Just sayin'.

**BUTTERS**: Wha-what are you talkin' about, Craig?

**CRAIG**: Come on. Seriously. This scene serves no purpose. It's just pointless padding. If any people wanted to read this fic, they probably stopped after seeing this crap about stuff they haven't read and aren't going to read. If we want to attract at least some readers, you should just shut up and get to the plot.

_[Craig walks offscreen, the other characters' eyes following him]_

**FIONA**: _[after a pause, to Butters]_ …Wuz 'at in continuity?

* * *

><p><em>[SPA's new opening, Our Mountain Town, starts. The background music is the Family Guy intro theme]<em>

**KYLE**:  
><em>It seems today,<em>_  
><em>_That all you see,__  
><em>_Is greenhouse effect __  
><em>_And the global warming..._

**CARTMAN**:  
><em>The world is full of<em>_  
><em>_Lazy hippies!_

**STAN, BUTTERS, FIONA AND KENNY**:  
><em>Sometimes you just want to drown!<em>

**EVERYONE**:  
><em>Lucky there's our mountain town!<em>_  
><em>_Lucky there's our pissant,_  
><em>Quiet, little-<em>

**KENNY**:  
><em>(Kickass!)<em>

**EVERYONE**:  
><em>Place in which we can all<em>

**STAN**:  
><em>Laugh and frown...<em>

**EVERYONE**:  
><em>It's! Our! Moun-tain! Tooooown!<em>

_**[South Park Aargh #06 – Episode 915 – A Load of Lola]**_

* * *

><p><em>[The bus stop. We see Stan, Kenny and Kyle waiting for the school bus. Cartman finally arrives]<em>

**CARTMAN**: Sup, fags! I see your Jewish nose is getting bigger every day, Kahl!

**KYLE**: Why don't you shut your piehole with a chunk of ham like you always do, fatass?!

**CARTMAN**: I expect you'd like some, kosher boy. Huh, but I guess you can't! Whatevah, I'll just eat my ham with Kinny. _[Slaps his head theatrically with a smirk] _Oh, I almost forgot… I do apologize, I shouldn't remind you your family is so poor you can't even afford ham! Hahahahah!

**KENNY**: (Fuck you, Eric!)

**STAN**: Yeah, stop it, dude.

**CARTMAN**: Oh, how about you, Stan? What are you going to do after skewl? Spend some quality time with your stupid hippie girlfriend? Or did Kahl take her place now?

**KYLE**: All right, that's it! I've been watching you for years, but I still don't get it! What on earth is the point of all this?! You can't think that being a dick is gonna bring you respect or friendship when you're the least popular kid in school! Why are you such an asshole, Cartman?! WHY?!

_[A moment of silence]_

**CARTMAN**: Okay. I'll tell ya… IN SONG!

**STAN**: Oh, God, no…

_[The melody from MLP:FiM's "The Smile Song" starts playing while Cartman begins to stroll down the street, the other boys behind him. When he starts singing, they pass other students and townspeople along the way]_

**CARTMAN**:  
><em>My name is Eric Cartman!<em> – Kickass!_  
>And I am here to say!<em> – You suck!_  
>I'm gonna make you cry<br>By saying you are dumb and ga-a-a-ay!_

_It doesn't matter now_ – Sweet!_  
>If you're a ginger Jew! <em>– Fuck you!_  
>Because mind-raping all my friends's<br>What Cartman's hyah to do!_

[Cartman jumps on the side of the school bus, holding his hand up. The others enter the bus after him]

_Cause I want to see you cry, cry, cry!  
>Yes, I do!<br>It makes me smile to taste your precious tears!  
>Kyle's a Jew!<br>Cause I want to see you pout, pout, pout!  
>It's what my life's all about!<em>

[Cartman jumps off the bus and we cut to the school playground where he interrupts other kids, jumping between them]

_I'd like to see you burn!_ – Eat your parents!_  
>I'd love to see you die!<em> – Fuckin' Jews!_  
>Oh, I can get away with it,<br>I'll do it if I try! _– Wha'evah!

[We see Kevin, Bradley, Red and Esther with light sabers happily before Eric ruins their fun by taking the toy away from Kevin and pinching his cheek, making him frown]

_And if you are as happy  
>As if you were in space,<br>I'll work real hard and do my best  
>To wipe that smile right off your face!<em>

[We cut to the school corridor where Eric runs around with his usual lackeys and then pins up a poster of Marik on the wall]

_Cause I want to see you squeak, squeak, squeak!  
>Like a pig!<br>I can speak like Marik Ishtar anytime!  
>What the frigg!<br>That faggot is from Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged!  
>You should really watch this show!<em>

[We cut to Cartman oddly in a recording studio, trying to act sad, then back to marching with Butters, Clyde and other kids who start to join his flashmob]

_It's true some days are bright and jolly…  
>And maybe you feel glad,<br>But Cartman will be there to make you all frustrated and mad!  
>There's one thing that makes me happy<br>And makes my whole life worthwile!  
>And that's to make fun of Kinny, Stan and Kaaaaaaaaaaaahl!<em>

[Cut to close-up shots of Cartman singing to some particular kids and then a shot of him breaking Mackey's window with a brick]

_You may say I'm a sadist!  
>You may say I'm a dick!<br>But tears just make me happy,  
>So I'll hit you with a brick!<em>

[Back to marching in school, the mob is getting bigger and bigger, shown from multiple shots]

_Cause I'd like to see you glare, glare, glare!  
>That's so kewl!<br>I just feed off your anger and despair!  
>Yes, it's true!<br>It makes me happy when you glare, glare, glare!  
>It just shows me that you caaaare!<em>

_Come on, all you hippies, cry, cry, cry!  
>After all this singing I am hungry!<br>I would really like some fries, fries, fries!  
>Maybe I will go to Wendy's!<em>

**CHOIR AND CARTMAN**:_  
>Come on, all you hippies, cry, cry, cry!<br>After all this singing I am hungry!  
>I would really like some fries, fries, fries!<br>Maybe I will go to Wendy's!_

[Cut to Cartman and the mob singing different lines at the same time. Eric is in the middle, spinning. The camera also rotates alongside him, showing all the people he gathered]

**CARTMAN**: [overlapping]_  
>Maybe I'll have a Happy Meal!<br>Yeah, I should go to McDonald's!  
>Or else I'll go to KFC!<br>And then you'll-_

**STUDENTS**: [at the same time]  
><em>Why is he now singing about food?<em>  
><em>This is really getting kinda weird.<br>Were I in his place I don't think I would,  
>Nothing else to sing a-<em>

**ALL**:  
><em>Cry... Cry… Cry… Cry…<em>

[Cut to a shot from the ceiling, slowly zooming out. During the last line it cuts to a close-up of Cartman turning around and pointing at the audience with a smirk]

**CARTMAN**:_  
>CRY!<br>Your dick is small!  
>Now suck my balls!<em>

_[Suddenly, Cartman gets decked in the face by a locker door and he falls over. We see him yelling in agony and a 4__th__ grade girl closing her locker nonchalantly with an ignorant smile or her face. She has long, brown hair held up by a dark green headband and wears a plain, long-sleeved green shirt and a pair of dark gray trousers. She finally seems to notice Eric lying on the floor when she turns her head]_

**CARTMAN**: Ow! Oooow! Moooom! MEEEEEEEEEEHM!

**GIRL**: Oh. Hi there!

**CARTMAN**: Hi yourself, bitch! The fuck is this?!

**GIRL**: _[unfazed] _Why are you lying on the floor, silly? The bell's about to ring, it's no time for sleeping!

**CARTMAN**: _[slowly sitting up] _I KNOW THAT! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

**GIRL**: I was about to ask you the same question. Your face doesn't look so well. Did you have an accident or something?

**CARTMAN**: YOU FUCKING HIT ME!

**GIRL**: …Nah, that can't be right. I don't hit people. I do hit balloons, though. Especially those filled with water. They are so squishy, you know?

**CARTMAN**: _[baffled and furious] _…WHAT?!

**GIRL**: I'm not fond of eggplants, either, but I don't hit them. I have my standards.

**CARTMAN**: STOP TALKING NONSENSE AND LISTEN TO ME! I don't know who the fuck you are and where you came from, but you should know that in this skewl you don't fuck with Eric Cartman!

_[We hear the bell ring]_

**GIRL**: Oh, here's the bell! We should go in or Mrs. Garrison'll be mad. _[walks away]_

**CARTMAN**: STOP IGNORING ME! _[starts wheezing furiously] …_Wait… She's in our class? _[Butters walks by Cartman] _Butters! Butters! Who's that chick with the headband? The one from our class?

**BUTTERS**: Oh, uh, Eric, you f-fell in love? I'm so happy for you! Maybe now you won't be so-

**CARTMAN**: Butters, don't be dumb, chicks are gross! I'm just curious!

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, I'm pretty sure her name's Lola. She joint our class a, uh, couple of months ago.

**CARTMAN**: Why the fuck don't I know about this?

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, our school's pretty dang big, Eric. And our classmates seem to be comin' and goin'. Just look at Tommy Turner!

**CARTMAN**: What about Tommy Turner?

**BUTTERS**: Exactly! No wonder you don't know everyone.

**CARTMAN**: _[to himself]_ This is fucking retarded! That bitch is gonna pay for what she did to me! …But I shouldn't get hasty… Revenge is a dish best served cold… I'll teach her whose authoritah she should respect! _[heads to the classroom, Butters following him]_

**BUTTERS**: Gee, Eric, by the way, what's wrong with your face?

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters!

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, at least it's in a better shape than Tommy Turner's…

**CARTMAN**: I SAID SHUT UP!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Aaaand that's the first chapter. This fic wasn't what I originally intended for the season premiere, or this season at all, but it made the final cut for three reasons. One was that I wanted to expand more on the girls' characterization, make them funny not only as a group but in their own right, because as they are now, everyone except Wendy and Annie is a copy of Bebe, blah, blah, blah, I said it a million times before and I'll probably say it again. <strong>_

_**The other reason is that I wrote some random scenes I had ideas for some time ago and it just fit in well with the concept. It's funny how sometimes random ideas write themselves better than stuff I planned out in detail two years ago…**_

_**The final reason is that I really wanted to parody this song. There's something about taking a sweet, inspirational song, flipping its whole nature around and turning it into a mean-spirited joke that makes me proud of myself. And ashamed at the same time. I should probably shut up.**_

…_**I wish I could imitate Cartman's voice well enough, I would totally sing it to MandoPony's karaoke version. We still have some space left, so let's move on to the review portion. **_

_**REVIEW PORTION – "GO FUND YOURSELF":**_

_**For those of you who are new to SPA, this is where I talk about the episodes of the current season when I haven't reached full seven pages (the standard length of my chapters). So, the first episode of the season. A sort of a fluke like "HumancentiPad" or a nice, humorous episode like "Let Go, Let Gov" (these are only personal opinions)?**_

_**Well, I liked it. For me, it wasn't perfect or laugh-out-loud funny, but it was still decent for the season premiere, which for the past few seasons is traditionally considered to be mediocre. The break between Season 17 and 18 was booming with satiriseable material and we weren't sure what Trey and Matt would tackle first, or if it could even fit in the new ten episodes. So here we have it – the NFL controversies and Kickstarter.**_

_**Let's start with the negatives, because as I said, the episode was not perfect for me. The joke about start-up companies doing absolutely nothing unfortunately got old really fast. While I think Kickstarter and the like can definitely help Internet contributors make a living out of their creations (especially with Youtube quickly taking down Let's Plays, reviews, etc.), there are definitely some lazy asses that use it to do nothing and make money out of it. T&M have to generalise for comedic effect and I have no problem with that. Just avoid unnecessary repetition, is all I'm sayin'. Another thing... Goddammit, Matt, can you really only do this one adult voice and that's Gerald's? Seriously, Snyder sounds exactly like him!**_

_**In spite of the "doing nothing" joke being constantly hammered in, there was quite an amount of subtlety in the other satire bits. They never went overboard with Redskins being compared to an actual Native American tribe, or at least they found enough variations of the joke to make it still funny and not overstay its welcome. This was actually kind of clever, especially later when Snyder calling all the other team owners felt like an Amerindian chief gathering. Also, Goodell's appearance as a malfunctioning robot? Even when I didn't know the context, I felt this was a good joke. Also, they probably made the right choice with making only a one-off joke out of the wife-beating incident, that probably wouldn't hold up for a whole episode. I just wish they did the same with Kickstarter.**_

_**As for the characterization this week, I liked that Randy for once turned out to be the voice of reason here. Kyle has some moral issues, as usual, but he completely misses the point, focusing on the name of the company instead of actually doing something (he tries to invoke this once and I don't think it fit really well...) and that was a nice change of pace. The behaviour of the boys here kind of reminded me of "Faith Hilling" with them making a drama out of a ridiculous situation. The funniest line for me was "Somebody is eventually going to get raped or beaten in an elevator and it's most likely going to be Butters" and Butters' reaction to it ("Oh, no!"). I thought that was a nice character joke, something we didn't see much in here.**_

_**In the end, a good episode. But the most important thing we all learnt from this particular one is that start-up companies like Kickstarter are awful and all its users are just trying to cash in doing nothing! I, for one, hope that I will never be associated with such a scandalous site!**_

_**...**_

_**Which is why I opened a Patreon account! Do you enjoy reading my series? Do you think I ought to continue writing South Park Aargh and 50 Lampshades of Craig? Do you want to hear about an original animated series me and my friends are trying to create? Would you like to support it? Or would you like to see another SPA-related project launched in the future? Well, visit www"dot"patreon"dot"com/ccp ("dot" stands for actual periods, you can also find the link on my profile) and become my patron – help me and the Cheddar Crackers Productions create comedy by donating any sum of money you like!**_

_**Thanks a ton for reading and please leave reviews, I always love when you critique my work. Thanks for your support.**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_

_**PS: You know what I hate most in the world? Hypocrites. God, they are awful!**_

_**PPS: On second thoughts, lampshades are even worse.**_


	2. Large Ham

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. I hope you like the plot so far and I hope you liked the song. That's because I'm writing to you from the past (spooky, isn't it?). I decided to write the author's notes beforehand because I write the chapters way before I release them which is supposed to give me time to write new stuff (at least in theory, you know very well how that works). I have just now realized that this might actually be a daft idea, since I can't know whether anyone even read the fic… Well… I hope you read it and I hope you liked it… Also, I hope I can thank you for your reviews… Yeah…**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION (yay you read it!)**_

_**If you're new to SPA, I respond to each review in the author's notes, so don't think I'm a dick for not responding! Think I'm a dick for other reasons!**_

_** Rhi Rhi: I think I posted Our Mountain Town on the SPU forum back before John deleted it. I'm not sure, though.**_

_** Coyote: Not sure if I got you right? Do you want me to include scenes with Butters and Fiona giving commentaries every chapter? ...Unusual request, but... I think every chapter it'd be pretty boring, but once in a while I could, just for shits and giggles... Unless you were being sarcastic.**_

_** GolfballFan: Thanks. If I cut up the song, I'd have to include the time you'd have to cut to while listening to the song on Youtube, and then I'd have to post the link as opposed to just posting the title so that you can search it, and then I'd have to edit the link so that it doesn't get eaten up by the site and... you get the idea. Waaay too much work, and I have to fill the seven pages somehow... Don't worry, it doesn't mean less story, there's still six chapters in store for us! As for your Jenny comment, I don't like imagining the girls as just distaff counterparts of the boys. As I said before, I would like to see them as characters in their own right. But Jenny doesn't appear until Season 12, so I don't have to worry about her right now!**_

_** ConnietheCat: Thanks!**_

_** IHMSSM: Six lines, to be exact! WHAT KIND OF MATHS ARE THEY TEACHING YOU THERE IN IRELAND? IT'S A DISGRACE! (joking, obviously) Well, same as I'm wrong for writing it... That's actually a great explanation. People in South Park would make a killing on insurance with this much shit happening every week.**_

_** The QAS: Tommy Turner is the guy I can't find the characterization for, so I'm not gonna use him a lot, if at all... Okay, maybe there will be one thing we'll find out about him, but nothing else.**_

_**Whoo, that's long. Let's just get to the chapter.**_

* * *

><p><em>[The playground, recess. We see all the boys except Cartman at the slide, talking]<em>

**KYLE**: I'm telling you guys, something has to be done! He is getting worse and worse!

**STAN**: What do you suppose we should do, dude? We tried explaining it to him, forcing him to stop, even ignoring him. He just turns into a bigger dick every time.

**KENNY**: (Fuck, maybe I should have taken that ham…)

_[Everyone stares at Kenny]_

**KYLE**: _[glaring] _Dude, you have your standards! How can you take anything from that asshole? It's demeaning!

**KENNY**: (For starters, my stomach is rumbling and my parents are on the dole.)

**CLYDE**: What kind of ham was it?

**KYLE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Huh?

**KENNY**: (Oh, I think Wiltshire, but I could be wrong.)

**PIP**: Oh, how splendid! That's my favourite!

_[Bebe, Milly, Heidi and Esther walk by and stop, hearing the discussion]_

**CLYDE**: Huh. No biggie. I'd stick to our Smithfield.

**TOKEN**: Really? _[raises an eyebrow] _Okay…

**PIP**: It sounds as if you don't approve.

**TOKEN**: Well… Smithfield is perfectly fine, but if you'd really like to enjoy ham at its finest, try Jamón Serrano. It's generally served in thin slices, but I like it diced.

**HEIDI**: I heard it heightens the risk of pancreatic cancer.

**TWEEK**: GAH! Really?! I'll never eat ham anymore in my entire life!

**STAN**: Um, guys?

**CLYDE**: What?

**STAN**: Weren't we gonna do something about Cartman?

**CLYDE**: Oh, yeah.

**CRAIG**: _[monotone]_ I am still amazed how at the end of every season we have the attention span of a goldfish.

**JIMMY**: _[to Craig] _A-a-are you-

**CRAIG**: Being meta? Eeyup. And that makes me special.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**STAN**: Right. And now, back to Cartman.

**TOKEN**: So what do you think we should do? I mean, it's pretty much a lost cause. I mean, he never seems to change and he gets just more manipulative with time. I'm starting to think the only way to avoid his prejudice and stuff is… well, to move away.

**KYLE**: Move away?! _[glares at Token] _Are you even listening to what you are saying?!

**TOKEN**: Huh?

**KYLE**: That would be like admitting a bully like him can do whatever the hell he wants! Look, guys, this isn't just about Cartman, it's about standing up for yourself! If you just run away from him, Cartman will become an even worse little fucker for the rest of us, because he will know people fear him!

**JIMMY**: So wh-wh-what do you suggest very much?

**KYLE**: I… _[pause] _I don't know…

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**KEVIN**: Maybe we should cast him into the Pit of Carcoon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Sarlacc!

_[Beat]_

**STAN**: …Kevin, goddamnit…

**JASON**: _[imitates a voice] _How about we stop talking about Cartman and instead talk about Jason?_ [imitates another] _Oh, yeah, Jason! He's so cool, isn't he?

_[There is another moment of silence]_

**JASON**: Awww…

**BEBE**: Look, guys, it's quite simple. If you want to tame Cartman, you'll just have to have something on him.

**KENNY**: (What do you mean?)

**BEBE**: You have to threaten to humiliate him so much that he'll be nice to you. We do it all the time in the girls community.

**KYLE**: That's kinda… dark.

**BEBE**: Well, it's all in good fun, right, Milly?

**MILLY**: Yeah… Sometimes Ah can't even remember who knows whose secrets.

**PIP**: _[happily] _Well, this is just superb!

**CRAIG**: There's just one problem, not that I care… Cartman humiliates himself all the time. His reputation is already that of a violent, gender-confused, retarded sociopath. One more time won't be anything special for him.

**BEBE**: Well then… _[smirks slyly] _You guys need to see Wendy…

_[The boys look at one another. Stan has a half-worried, half-annoyed look on his face]_

* * *

><p><em>[Meanwhile, inside the classroom, we see Mrs. Garrison reading a magazine. Cartman appears from the entrance. He is trying to look as innocent and childish as he can. Janet frowns, momentarily seeing through the act]<em>

**MRS. GARRISON**: What are you up to now, Eric?

**CARTMAN**: Um… Mr. Garrison… I was wondering if I might have a word with you…

**MRS. GARRISON**: Spit it out, Eric, what do you want?

**CARTMAN**: _[trying to sounds as cutesy as possible] _Well, it's just that… There's this new chick at skewl, Lola, and she came to me and she started saying real mean things about you, Mr. Garrison… She said that you and your saggin' fake titties look like a balding orangutan and that you could make dreadlocks out of your armpit hair…

**MRS. GARRISON**: _[raises an eyebrow skeptically] _Well, did she now? Oh, look, here's Lola now. Lola, sweetheart, come here for a second.

**LOLA**: _[in genuinely friendly manner] _Oh, hey! It's you, Sleepy!

**CARTMAN**: _[glares] _Why, you-

**MRS. GARRISON**: Eric here told me you said I looked like a balding orangutan. Is that true?

**LOLA**: _[scratches her head] _Huh, weird. I don't recall ever saying anything like that. I wanted to be an orangutan once, though… But Sleepy here hit his head pretty badly, so he must be hearing things!

**MRS. GARRISON**: It's true, Eric, you do have quite a lump here… Maybe you should see the nurse's office?

**LOLA**: That might be a good idea, Sleepy.

**CARTMAN**: Ay! Don't call me "Sleepy", you fuckin' skank!

**MRS. GARRISON**: Eric! Do you want to go to the nurse's office or to Mr. Mackey?!

**CARTMAN**: _[contains himself] _Ah, I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison… It's true, my head hurts a little…

**MRS. GARRISON**: That's not everything! Apologize to your classmate!

**CARTMAN**: _[pale] _Wait, what?

**MRS. GARRISON**: Your friend, Lola, is concerned for your safety, and you do nothing but insult her and throw accusations at her. You should apologize to her and that's final!

_[Lola gives him a carefree smile. Cartman grits his teeth, glares at the girl and starts grumbling]_

**MRS. GARRISON**: What was that, Eric?

**CARTMAN**: _[quietly, forcing himself] _I'm… sorry… Lola…

**LOLA**: Oh, that's okay. You're just not feeling well, right? A good night's sleep is all you need. Oh, oh, maybe that's why you were sleeping on the floor back then?

**CARTMAN**: I WAS NOT SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, GOD-DAMNIT!

**LOLA**: Sure you were. You can't very well have been sleeping on the ceiling.

**CARTMAN**: I WASN'T FUCKING SLEEPING ANYWHERE!

**MRS. GARRISON**: Eric, will you stop yelling?!

**LOLA**: I'd also suggest that. I can't imagine you sleeping in that state.

_[Cartman looks as if he's about to shout something again, but contains himself, and walks out, red in the face. There is a moment of silence when the two females remain in the room]_

**LOLA**: _[turns around, facing Janet] _…Were you a guy once?

* * *

><p><em>[Back in the playground, we see Butters playing with his car near the merry-go-round. Fiona approaches him, confused]<em>

**FIONA**: Guid day, Butters. Isnae this th' lasses' territory?

**BUTTERS**: Well, uh, they all went somewhere with a-all the fellas and they wouldn't tell me where! Those meanies…

**FIONA**: That's strange. Ah heard naethin', too. Ye think thay purposely tauld us tois naethin'?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I think Eric might've not heard anythin', either. He's gettin' kinda obsessed with that new girl, Lola.

**FIONA**: Hang oan, thare's a new lass at school?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah!

**FIONA**: An' she's nae bein' called a Sue or anythin'?

**BUTTERS**: N-not that I know of…

_[There is a pause]_

**FIONA**: Noow that's jist unfair...

_[Fiona kicks a pebble and sits down next to Butters. We then see Cartman approaching the merry-go-round, still gritting his teeth]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hi there, Eric! How did your revenge plan go?

**CARTMAN**: It seems she's made of harder stuff… I need something a little more elaborate, Butters. Leave that fuckin' Sue alone and come with me!

**FIONA**: A'am nae a Sue! Aa'm jist canon-impaired!

**CARTMAN**: Yeah, whatevah, Feehna! Moan about your troubled past somewhere else! _[hits Butters's shoulder so that he stands up and walks offscreen]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah, see ya, Fiona! _[follows Cartman]_

_[Fiona is left alone, there is a moment of silence]_

**FIONA**: …Well, thare goes me cameo.

* * *

><p><em>[We see the 4<em>_th__ grade boys led by Bebe walking towards the Testaburger residence. Bebe knocks on the door. Red opens it slightly, looks out carefully to see if no-one else is looking, then lets the kids inside one by one. Stan scratches his hand nervously]_

**KENNY**: _[staying behind] _(Hey, what's the matter, Stan? Is it your first time here since the breakup?)

**STAN**: No- well, yes and no. I've never really been here even back when I was going out with Wendy.

**KENNY**: _[lowers his eyelids] _(That's kinda pathetic, man.)

**STAN**: _[sarcastically] _Thanks, Kenny, you know how to cheer a guy up.

**BEBE**: _[butting in] _He's right, though. When Token was going out with her, they started inviting each other over on the spot.

**STAN**: _[glares] _Look, it's not my fault, ok? I had to spend so much time adventuring every week that sometimes I would need a little time to rest.

**BEBE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _So you consider spending time with your girlfriend tiresome? Woooow. I just can't imagine why Wendy left you…

**KENNY**: (Shut up, Bebe. Look, don't let it get to you, man.)

**STAN**: I won't. I'm telling you guys, I'm totally over Wendy.

_[Wendy peeks through the door, seeing the three outside]_

**WENDY**: Are you guys coming in or not?

**STAN**: _[vomits] _Bllleargh!

_[There is a moment of silence. The three look at Stan]_

**KENNY**: (We're… just gonna clean that up…)

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman's living room]<em>

**CARTMAN**: All right, Butters, are you listening to me?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yes, sir!

**CARTMAN**: As soon as she comes in, we must be very nice to her. Can you do that?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, sure I can be nice! I'm always nice!

**CARTMAN**: Well, you have to be extra-nice today, because I heard she's kinda weird and shy and sometimes you can be a bit of an asshole!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I'm sorry to hear that, Eric…

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters! And be nice!

_[The doorbell rings. Cartman rushes to open it. Outside we see Annie Knitts]_

**CARTMAN**: _[as nice as he can] _Why, hello, Annie! Please, come in! Can I interest you in some Kentucky Fried Chicken?

**ANNIE**: _[unsure] _I would love… _[awkward moment of silence] _Some.

**CARTMAN**: _[awkwardly] _…Right… Come and sit down. _[they sit on the couch]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, we were wondering-

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters, let me do the talking! Now… You're probably wondering why we invited you here… The thing is… Can you keep a secret?

**ANNIE**: Well, I'm not Powder, sure I…

**CARTMAN**: Okay, that's good, because-

**ANNIE**: Can.

_[Cartman blinks, confused, but quickly regains his composure]_

**CARTMAN**: Yeah. That's gewd, because Butters here… has a little crush.

**BUTTERS**: _[surprised] _Huh?

**CARTMAN**: Butters, what did I tell you? …Yes, our Butters is finally growing up! And who's the lucky girl, you ask? The new girl, Lola!

**BUTTERS**: B-but, Eric, I-

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters! ...However, the poor guy is too shy to ask her out for the time being, so we figured out me might ask you what you know about what she likes and stuff, since you're a chick.

**ANNIE**: …Oh, dear… I'm afraid I don't know much about…

**CARTMAN**: _[disappointed]_ What?

**ANNIE**: Her.

**CARTMAN**: You… You gotta know something! You go to skewl together!

**ANNIE**: Well, we did talk… once.

**CARTMAN**: There you go! What did you talk about? Anything that might be useful!

**ANNIE**: Well… _[pause] _You know… petunias? Hybrid flowers closely related to tomatoes and… tobacco?

**CARTMAN**: _[interested] _Yeah? What about them?

**ANNIE**: She doesn't like… them.

**CARTMAN**: _[a little annoyed] _Oh… Kay… Anything else?

**ANNIE**: Well… You know… pansies? Another type of garden flowers with two overlapping upper petals, two side petals, and a single bottom petal with a slight beard emanating from the flower's… center?

**CARTMAN**: Yes?

**ANNIE**: …She doesn't like them… either.

**CARTMAN**: _[annoyed] _All right, all right, but something not related to garden flowers?

**ANNIE**: Well… you know… orchids?

**CARTMAN**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Ugh!

**BUTTERS**: _[whispers to Cartman while Annie continues to talk]_ I think this is gonna take a while, Eric…

* * *

><p><em><strong>I'm pretty sure orchids aren't garden flowers, since they're tropical and stuff. If I'm wrong, please correct me. Gently. I'm very shy.<strong>_

_**The pacing in this chapter is weird. The first scene ends with a cliffhanger which should be at the very end of the chapter, but that would mean a very short chapter, and I'm trying to stick to my "seven pages using Calibri size 11" schedule.**_

_**Goddammit, I just realised I'm doing the same thing South Park's doing this week with Stendy...**_

_**I hope you guys like the fic so far. As always, please leave reviews and stay tuned for next week!**_

_**WDC**_


	3. Fingernails Yes, Fingernails

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. This time, I'm pretty sure you guys read and reviewed my story (which by the time I'm writing this still hasn't been released, but… meh) so I should probably thank you for it. So thank you for all your comments and criticisms posted round here! Also, I'd like to thank you for providing 50 Lampshades of Craig with some questions! You can find the link to my comic in my profile, if you'd like to read more of my SP fanworks.**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Coyote: The ham? I just felt like going on a tangent and googled it. I learnt about Jamón Serrano in my Spanish classes, though.  
>About "The Death of Eric Cartman"... For all the boys know, ignoring Cartman was a temporary solution, but Cartman didn't learn about his mistakes. Remember, it was all a huge misunderstanding.<br>Oh, God, yes, the girls can be scary.  
>Interestingly, he didn't. Cartman's supposed gender confusion was more of a reference to the ending of Awesome-o.<br>If I've made any references to the SPU forum, I have no idea where. God, I should keep better track of this!  
>Homework... Yeeees, "homework"...<strong>_

_** Rhi Rhi: It didn't feature as much Stendy as I'd imagine, but maybe they'll dwell upon it more later on. I should really try to do more with Pip.**_

_** The QAS: Classes can be a bitch, I get it. Thanks for reviewing, anyway!**_

_** IHMSSM: I honestly forgot that part with the bieber doll from the game, huh. To be fair, in the period between "The List" and Season 18 there were a couple of times Wendy was the unreasonable one in their relationship, so I guess they're even... maybe?**_

_**Again, thanks for all the reviews, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The school cafeteria, late afternoon. The school is clearly empty. We see Fiona walking behind Chef's counter, bending over and searching for something]<em>

**FIONA**: _[to herself, hitting her palm with her fist] _Ah, reit, o' coorse! It goes directly tae th' principal... Damn...

**CHEF**: _[appearing suddenly from behind] _Hello there, children!

**FIONA**: Awrite, Chef! _[suddenly realizing something] _…Eh? Chef?! Ah didnae ken ye were still here...

**CHEF**: Were you children lookin' for lunch money?

**FIONA**: _[squinting her eyes in deep concentration] _A'am gonnae say... nae.

**CHEF**: Oh, good. I thought for a second we'd have to be doin' this kleptomania thing all over again.

**FIONA**: _[in relief] _Whew…

**CHEF**: What were you doin' here?

**FIONA**: Well… Th' lads went somewhare early, Ah dorn't really ken anyone else an' Ah didnae feel like gaein' home, sae... Ah decided tae hang oot here fer a while. What abit ye?

**CHEF**: Well, children, I was tryin' to save a lil' leftovers from today's lunch.

**FIONA**:Ah wuz just in th' wey o' ask... Look at th' perfectly guid stuff those lads flin' away! Someain shoods tell Kenny abit this, his folks cood use some o' this... Ah mean, look at this! An entire cutlet, nearly untooched!

**CHEF**: I wouldn't try that if I were you.

**FIONA**: Why nae?

**CHEF**: It's kindergarteners' food.

**FIONA**: Ew. Well, Stan's dog coods aye try it.

**CHEF**: _[sighs, exhausted]_ I guess you're right, children, but you'd better go home. You probably have homework to do and I've got the leftovers and tomorrow's menu to work on.

**FIONA**: _[shrugs]_ If ye say sae. Cheers, Chef.

_[Walks away, turns her head for a couple of seconds, then comes back]_

**FIONA**: Eh, who am I tae fash meself abit hamework, that Bluecap lad? Ah can always pinch th' answer sheit... Ye want some help wi' 'at?

**CHEF**: _[smiles] _All right, children, but don't say I didn't warn ya.

_[Wendy's house, late afternoon. Nearly all the kids involved in the plan are sitting in the living room. Token is noticeably absent. Stan's the only one who's uneasy. He puts his hands inside his pockets. Kenny looks at him and nudges him with his elbow]_

**KENNY**: (Dude, just relax.)

**WENDY**: _[half-whispering, as is everyone] _Look, you guys, if you want to get back at Cartman, you should have come to me from the beginning. I know this has never come up before, but we have all the information you need.

**KYLE**: It's not about getting back at him, this isn't petty revenge! We want to make sure he's not an asshole to us anymore!

**WENDY**: That's even more suitable, from what I've heard.

**TWEEK**: GAH! What are you talkin' about?!

**WENDY**: It's quite simple, but listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.

**CLYDE**: Huh?

**WENDY**: I shall say this only once! You remember Mandy Jenkins?

**BEBE**: She was in the cheerleaders' team with us for a while.

**KENNY**: (Oh, yeah, the one with a lisp. I think I got some pics of her on my cell-)

_[Wendy and some girls look at him with disdain]_

**KENNY**: (…Never mind, do carry on.)

**WENDY**: After Mandy became our classmate, it was clear she had to be tested if she was truly worthy to become one of the girls. The council decided Mandy's trial would be conducted by Esther.

**KENNY**: _[whispers to Stan] _(Wow, they're pretty… well-organized…)

**ESTHER**: Thank you, Wendy. The trial Mandy underwent was the Trial of Gossip. She was sent on an espionage mission in order to obtain secret information about Eric Cartman.

**CRAIG**: _[emotionless] _How convenient.

**ESTHER**: The mission was a partial success. Although she recorded a video that she described as "juicy", the tape was never again seen any of us, nor was Mandy.

**TWEEK**: _[panicking, to Clyde] _OH, GOD! Did you hear that?!

**CLYDE**: Yeah… Who uses tapes these days?

**BEBE**: _[patting Clyde on the back]_ You're missing the point there, baby.

**WENDY**: We heard later from Mr. Garrison that Mandy and her parents moved to Sudan in mysterious circumstances. I mean, he didn't tell us that the circumstances were mysterious, we just assumed that part. But we think Cartman found out about the tape and took it back.

**KYLE**: How can you know for sure?

**ESTHER**: I have my means.

**KYLE**: Hang on, this is important! I mean, if Cartman got it back, wouldn't it be more logical for him to destroy it as soon as possible to hide his secret forever? How can you possibly know he still has it?

**ESTHER**: Fine, if you want to know, I have micro-cameras all over his place.

**KYLE**: …Again, that's kinda scary!

**STAN**: And expensive, at that… How could you even afford it?

**ESTHER**: Gossip is a very important part of a ten-year-old girl's life. It's serious business.

**BEBE**: Almost as serious as shoes!

**STAN**: But… How do you know Cartman hasn't destroyed the tape outside his house?

**ESTHER**: Well-

**STAN**: And another thing, if you have cameras all over his place, why do we need to get this specific tape and not just choose any stupid thing he does on the recordings?

**ESTHER**: Because shut up!

**STAN**: Look, I'm just saying if you're supposed to be such a great spy, this is kinda form over substance.

**ESTHER**: I AM THE BEST AT WHAT I DO!

_[There is a moment of silence. Everyone freezes in place. Esther, up till a moment ago red in the face, contains herself and sits down among the crowd]_

**WENDY**: Look, Stan, if you want to skim over a year's worth of recordings of Cartman's house, you are very welcome to.

**CRAIG**: _[whispers to Stan] _Just stop looking for plotholes and go with the flow, dude.

**BEBE**: Yeah, if all you'll do is just complain, you might as well go away!

**JASON**: Yeah! Go away! Then, I will finally get some attention!

**BEBE**: …Shut up, Jason, no-one cares whether you get attention or not.

**JASON**: …Aww.

**WENDY**: Then it's settled! We have to steal the tape, then we blackmail Cartman and all is well.

**KYLE**: _[unsure] _…Yeah.

**STAN**: If I may say something… We just have to make sure no-one tells Butters, or he'll blab the whole thing to Cartman.

**KENNY**: (Right, you heard the man, nobody says anything to Butters!)

**RED**: Or Powder.

**KYLE**: Right! …Wait, why Powder? She isn't exactly known for being Cartman's lackey!

**BEBE**: Why do you think we're whispering, dumbasses?

**HEIDI**: My sis… Isn't exactly good at keeping sec-

**RED**: Shh, there she comes!

_[Sally "Powder" Turner walks down the stairs. Everyone in the living room awkwardly keeps silent while she looks around, curiously]_

**POWDER**: Hey, guys, I've been waiting in Wendy's room for hours, why did you send me away? I haven't told you yet about who Molly's mom has an affair with! _[Kyle glares at Heidi, who shrugs] _Whoa, what's the commotion? _[genuinely surprised]_ Why are all those boys here? What were you talking about?

**WENDY**: _[awkwardly, unsure]_ We… were talking… about… fingernails. Yes… fingernails.

**POWDER**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Really? You guys know so much about fingernails? D'you know what kind of color would suit me?

**CLYDE**: _[unfazed] _Oh, that's easy. Dark red would be the most obvious answer, since it's your hair colour and all, but you dress more modestly, so you need one that matches the color of your skin more and doesn't stand out. And since you wear pink mittens and the front pocket of your sweater is pink, I'd say pink is the answer.

**POWDER**: Huh. I guess you know something. Cool. _[walks to the kitchen]_

_[All the boys look at Clyde in shock]_

**CLYDE**: What? I'm going out with Bebe.

* * *

><p><em>[Late evening, we see Cartman and Butters walking around the town with a flashlight and a map in the obese boy's hands]<em>

**CARTMAN**: All right, that Annie chick was fucking slow about it, but we finally got at least her address!

**BUTTERS**: Hey, Eric, why are we goin' this way?

**CARTMAN**: The fuck do you mean? We're going to spy on Lola to find out her secrets so that we can humiliate her, I told you a hundred times, Butters!

**BUTTERS**: Aw, hamburgers… I-I'm pretty sure it wasn't a hundred… Three or four, maybe…

**CARTMAN**: Nobody fuckin' cares, you faggot!

**BUTTERS**: A-anyway, I mean, nobody really lives here! This is the Police Departament!

**CARTMAN**: Weird… This is the address that bitch Annie gave us.

**BUTTERS**: Well, we'd better go b-back, Eric, or else we'll get grounded!

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, Eric, there's a little hut on the back!

**CARTMAN**: Yeah, but that's where Barbrady lives! _[scratches his chin with a sly expression] _…Unless… Butters, let's get closer!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, o-okay!

_[The two boys are shown looking through the window. Then, we cut to what they see inside – Lola playing with toy airplanes. At her side we see a mug of hot cocoa with a photo of Officer Barbrady and a "Number 1 uncle" sign printed on it]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, what's goin' on, Eric? Are we gonna go inside?

**CARTMAN**: _[smirks] _…Naaah, let's go, Butters! I think we have more than enough material for now…

_[They jump off the window and walk back]_

**BUTTERS**: You mean that she likes planes? Gee, that's not much of a secret, is it?

**CARTMAN**: Goddamnit, Butters, shut the hell up.

* * *

><p><em>[Back in the cafeteria, Chef and Fiona seem to be done with the leftovers and are now cleaning the tables]<em>

**FIONA**: Chef?

**CHEF**: Yeah?

**FIONA**: Ur ye frae Inverness, too?

**CHEF**: That's right, how d'you know?

**FIONA**: Ah remember Gran Matilda mentionin' some McElroys. Ah think it wuz somethin' abit th' auld castle by th' loch. Am Ah close?

**CHEF**: You're right, children, my parents still live there. I moved to the US when I was eleven.

**FIONA**: All by yerself? Werenae ye scared?

**CHEF**: Well, children, my pop used to say America was a country of great possibilities… He told me to go there, become a great singer… The times were tough but I somehow managed to stay afloat.

**FIONA**: Sae why did ye stop singin'?

**CHEF**: Well, I always wanted to open my own restaurant, and then I discovered I liked workin' with children, so I thought to myself: "I'm done with this mother-fudgin' show-business, I'm gonna be my own boss-

**FIONA**: Nae, Ah dorn't mean on stage. Ah meant here. In th' cafeteria. Th' lads said once 'at ye used tae sin' grottie songs tae them all th' time. Ah heard ye only dae it once. Why dorn't ye dae 'at anymair?

_[There is a moment of silence. Chef smirks]_

**CHEF**: You're one observant children, aren't you?

**FIONA**: _[smiles] _Ah try tae be.

**CHEF**: The fact is… You noticed how this town… Is different from others in many respects, right?

**FIONA**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Nae, really?

**CHEF**: With this much goin' on every week, I should probably be tired, burnt out… But the constant action I got tagged along into actually kept me alive… and active. Now that the boys are in the fourth grade… They don't need me and my advice anymore. Now I'm just a minor part of their lives, providin' no more than a fudgin' Salisbury steak… Maybe I should be happy, since now I finally have time for myself… But with more time for myself comes more time for thought… Thought about ruined dreams, wasted talents, lost love… Maybe I shouldn't worry about that, but it keeps springin' to my mind… Maybe I should just start anew…

_[There is a moment of silence. Fiona scratches her hand uncomfortably]_

**FIONA**: _[awkwardly] _Er…

**CHEF**: Ah, but you children don't wanna listen to the ramblings of a middle-aged man… Forget I said anythin', children. Don't say anythin' to the boys… Let's get back to work…

**FIONA**: …A've jist got one mair question, Chef. Does th' name Morag McTeagle rin' a bell?

_[Pause. Chef stops cleaning]_

**CHEF**: _[coldly] _Well, children… I think that's enough cleanin' for today.

**FIONA**: Yoo were me mum's childhuid mukker, werenae ye?

**CHEF**: _[coldly]_ It's gettin' kinda late. You might wanna go home.

**FIONA**: But-

**CHEF**: _[grabs her by the collar and puts her gently outside the cafeteria] _Off ya go.

_[Chef closes the cafeteria door. Fiona stands up, grabs her backpack and walks offscreen, biting her lip]_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Mandy was a real character. She appeared once in "Douche and Turd" and disappeared from the show right after that episode. At least I hope she did, otherwise this continuity nod was really kinda pointless. That reminds me what a friggin' great episode it was, it's kind of an example of a perfect Stan plot. Not only is he in the role of the only sane man, but they also incorporate the animal theme well with the PETA subplot. We also have some great bits from the other boys, especially Jimmy, whose "staying power" gag was just <strong>__**hilarious**__**. I think what works about overly long gags in South Park is that they are so scarce, but when they happen, we can clearly see the reaction of all characters, in this case annoyance. This is the factor Family Guy lacks, and overly long jokes are pretty much a quarter of their comedy… What do you think? Would a chicken fight be funnier if we cut back to Lois and Bonnie who would just stop their conversation and stand there impatiently? Or would it ruin the joke?**_

_**Kenny doesn't even have a colour screen in his mobile. But don't ruin it for him, okay?**_

_**But I'm getting off-track here. The Clyde bit here about fingernails… I don't know anything about fingernails, so I don't know if he's correct or not. I guess I should research this stuff before writing… Anyway, this scene was really enjoyable for me to write. I find crowd scenes awesome, because all the kids with different personalities play so well off each other. But we can't have stuff like that in the show due to the time limit… You think Trey could write hour-long episodes? We already have ten per season, why don't we make them as long as in Game of Thrones, too?**_

_**Thanks for reading you guys, and if you would be so kind, leave reviews for this chapter as well. I hope you liked what you read!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	4. Cupcakes

_**Hey guys, Wensleydale here. Thanks for all the reviews and attention! (Yaaay!) Enjoy the fourth chapter right after skipping the response portion!**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** The QAS: You know, I've actually been worrying whether I overdo it or not. At least I can do my fair share of Craig in the comic.**_

_** John: I don't hate cutaways as much as I used to, dude. I even like them as long as they're character-based. Hell, I've even made one here. I remember the scene, but can't think of when it was used. Heh, if it helps, probably before Season 10! I'll correct it to nine or ten.**_

_**Childhood friend. At least that's what the Scottie translator told me.**_

_** Coyote: Esther's method of spying might be thorough, but it's pretty ineffectual in the end. One random girl with a camera did a lot more than all those microcameras of hers...**_

_** IHMSSM: I've been thinking about whether by saying "sad panda" you meant the guy who made the Nostalgia Critic anthem, but then I remembered the actual SP episode.**_

_** ConnietheBat: I like to end scenes with punchlines, that's kind of my soft spot.**_

_**Again, thanks for the reviews and I hope you like the rest of the story. Enjoy!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The school, morning. We see Cartman and Butters walking down the corridor. Cartman leaves his backpack by the lockers and approaches Dogpoo, Bluecap and Francis who are seen talking next to Mr. Bart's classroom door]<em>

**CARTMAN**: Oh, hey, you guys! You won't believe what I found out!

**BLUECAP**: What?

**CARTMAN**: You know that chick Lola from our class? Get this – she's BARBRADY'S NIECE! Hahahahah!

**DOGPOO**: So?

**CARTMAN**: Huh?

**DOGPOO**: So? What about it?

**CARTMAN**: Well, you know. He's a retard! He can't even read properly! And she's his niece!

**DOGPOO**: Again, what's the problem?

**BLUECAP**: That's him. What about her? Can she read?

**CARTMAN**: Well, I… I don't know about that, but… If he's a retard, she must be, too, right?

_[Bluecap and Dogpoo exchange glances]_

**BLUECAP**: Not really, no. _[to Dogpoo]_ Hey, what do you think was the answer in-

**CARTMAN**: AY, STOP IGNORING ME! Don't you care about what kind of family she has?! That's gotta be embarrassing to her!

**BLUECAP**: Why should we? She didn't look very embarrassed when I talked to her.

**FRANCIS**: I don't even know who Lola is.

**CARTMAN**: Shut your Jew mouth, Francis!

**DOGPOO**: And seriously, making fun of her family? That's low. It just makes me embarrassed that I tried to be you once.

**BLUECAP**: Yeah, have fun, dick.

_[The three walk away, leaving Cartman dumbfounded]_

**CARTMAN**: The fuck is this?! It used to work before! Why can't I turn any kids against Lola?! Why can't I manipulate Garrison? It's that fucking skank! She's the reason for all this!

* * *

><p><em>[The hallway. We see Esther listening to Cartman's conversation with the other fourth graders, hidden behind a corner. A lot of kids passing nearby are looking at her, baffled. Esther takes out her walkie-talkie from her pocket. The Mission Impossible theme starts playing quietly]<em>

**ESTHER**: _[whispering] _Agent Sparkly Sunshine to Margaret Thatcher, over! The subject is moving out, I suggest you search faster! Over!

_[We cut to Wendy and the others in the computer room, Wendy holding up her walkie-talkie]_

**WENDY**: _[frowning] _Well, why didn't you tell us before? You were supposed to give us a signal!

**ESTHER'S VOICE**:I'm giving it to you right now, over!

**WENDY**: Stop saying "over", Esther, you're not a real spy.

**ESTHER'S VOICE**: Why do I have to stop saying "over", over?

**WENDY**: It's unnecessary and takes too much precious time! Like this conversation!

**ESTHER'S VOICE**: …Shut up, over and out!

**WENDY**: _[to the others] _This is bad. At this rate Cartman will return before Esther and Tweek find the tape.

_[We cut away to Tweek with his head in Cartman's backpack and Esther on the lookout]_

**ESTHER**: Hurry up, Tweek, there's no time!

**TWEEK**: _[jittering] _AAAH! OH, GOD, THERE'S NO TIME! AGH!

_[Cut back to Wendy's team]_

**STAN**: You know, in retrospect, maybe this wasn't such a good team-up.

**WENDY**: Anyway, we have to distract Cartman somehow. Red, can you manage?

**RED**: Sure! Four issues of yaoi should hold him off long enough.

**KYLE**: Wait, yaoi? Cartman's not gay… I think.

**RED**: _[walking away] _Oh, you're just saying that because you don't want your secret relationship to be revealed.

**KYLE**: …WHAT?!

**JASON**: Hey, I know! Maybe you can send Jason! Jason should distract Cartman long enough! He could go there, wave his hands around and yell "I'm a distraction!" Yaaay!

**STAN**: …No, Jason, that's a terrible plan.

**JASON**: …Aww…

**WENDY**: Jason, we have no room for improvisation right now. We will stick to the plan. Even if Cartman isn't gay, Red should at least scare him away.

**HEIDI**: You know, I'm starting to doubt he really is gay. I think I remember he had a crush on some girl in our class.

**CLYDE**: Oh, yeah, I think she kissed him, too… Too bad I can't remember who that was…

**WENDY**: _[interrupts him nervously] _Yeah, well, enough about Cartman's sexuality! Let's get back to the plan!

**KYLE**: Wendy's right. We can't afford to lose focus! Our moves have to be precise and accurate! Now If Red fails, Craig will…

_[As Kyle narrates about the rest of the plan, we see Stan whispering to Bebe]_

**STAN**: Huh. Kyle and Wendy sure think alike, don't they?

**BEBE**: _[whispers back] _Well, they are both ambitious, care about studying, honesty and like to take the lead. Plus, they both hate Cartman's guts equally, so it's kind of a given. _[snickers] _What, getting a little jellous, are we?

**STAN**: Yeah, whatever you say. Like Kyle would be interested in her anyway… And as if I cared!

**BEBE**: Sure you don't.

**STAN**: Look, I don't care about Wendy, and you can beat it inside your head until you understand.

_[There is a pause]_

**BEBE**: You know? I believe you.

**STAN**: Oh, do you now?

**BEBE**: Yeah. And I have a theory. I think you were never interested in Wendy to begin with. Your real love interest was by your side all along! You're in love is someone who's impatient, opinionated and determined to do the right thing. No wonder you had no time to meet up with Wendy when you were busy staring at Kyle's shapely buttcheeks!

_[There is a moment of silence. Stan glares at Bebe]_

**STAN**: Yeah, Red's been giving you a lot of yaoi lately, hasn't she?

* * *

><p><em>[We cut back to Tweek and Esther]<em>

**ESTHER**: They're coming back!

**TWEEK**: UGH! What if they SEE ME?! AGH! What was the SIGNAL?!

_[He zips up the backpack in panic. Cartman and Butters approach him as he tries to walk away]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hey, Tweek, we were-

**TWEEK**: HAMMERTIME!

_[Tweek runs away. Cartman and Butters's eyes follow him in confusion]_

**CARTMAN**: …The fuck?

* * *

><p><em>[Cut back to the computer room]<em>

**ESTHER'S VOICE**: Wendy? Wendy, do you copy? Over!

**WENDY**: Copy what? Oh, right!

**ESTHER'S VOICE**: Tweek found nothing, I repeat, Tweek found no-

**WENDY**: I heard it!

**ESTHER'S VOICE**: …Over.

**KYLE**: This is bad! We have to find out where Cartman's tape is!

**POWDER**: Tape, what tape?

_[We cut to a broader view of the classroom and Powder appearing from the door. There is a moment of awkward silence]_

**WENDY**: Tape? Who said anything about any tape?

**BEBE**: We were talking about Cartman's TAKE… on the Watchmen movie.

**POWDER**: Oh yeah? What does he think about it?

**STAN**: We… That's what we have to find out.

**JIMMY**: Yeah… We v-v-value his opinion very much.

**KENNY**: (Uh-huh.)

**POWDER**: Huh. Okay, I guess. By the way, how's your rash, sis?

**HEIDI**: _[blushes angrily] _Sal, that's not something you're supposed to say in public!

**POWDER**: Oh, sorry about that. Bye. _[walks out]_

_[There is a moment of silence. Bebe snickers at Heidi as she glares at her]_

**HEIDI**: OH, SHUT UP!

* * *

><p><em>[The classroom. We see Cartman scheming with Butters in the corner]<em>

**CARTMAN**: All right, if humiliating her with her family doesn't work, we can just take revenge with less subtle methods!

**BUTTERS**: _[chuckles] _Huhuh, yeah! ...And what's that, Eric?

**CARTMAN**: _[dramatic pause, reaches inside his backpack] _...Cupcakes!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, w-what?

**CARTMAN**: But not just any cupcakes! They're my mom's cupcakes! Especially delicious for a midday snack.

**BUTTERS**: Oh... kay... Eric, I don't mean to butt in... but what does it have to do with anything?

**CARTMAN**: Quite simple, Butters! The cupcakes are filled with strong laxative. When she eats them, she will immediately crap her pants!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, that's very smart, Eric!

**CARTMAN**: No, Butters, this is simple, you're just a dumbass. Now, this is where you come in. You have to give them to her.

**BUTTERS**: B-but Eric, you sure about this? I-I mean don't you think the smarter thing would be just lettin' it go?

**CARTMAN**: ...Butters, stop referencing Disney movies coming out eight years in the future and get to work.

* * *

><p><em>[Butters walks over to Lola, holding a paper bag in his hand]<em>

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hi there.

**LOLA**: Hi! What is your name?

**BUTTERS**: M-my name's Butters!

**LOLA**: What is your quest?

**BUTTERS**: W-wha?

**LOLA**: I think so, too! I'm glad we're on the same wavelength, Butters!

**BUTTERS**: _[stares at her in confusion for a second, then flinches] _Uh, anyway, I-I wanted to give you this as, uh, a welcoming gift an' all…

**LOLA**: _[snaps the bag from his hand, excitedly] _Wow, that's cool! Thanks a lot! Hey, you know I got a present today? _[shows him the bag]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh… Yeah, I just gave it to you.

**LOLA**: I haven't seen it yet, I wonder what it is! _[opens] _Oh, wow, cupcakes! _[devours one in whole] _They're really tasty, you want some?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, no, thanks-

**LOLA**: Come on, don't be shy!

_[She grabs a few cupcakes and stuffs them down Butters's throat, all of this with an innocent smile. Butters starts choking]_

**LOLA**: Nah, that's no good, you have to chomp them with your teeth, otherwise it's bad for you!

_[Butters finally swallows them. We promptly hear his stomach rumble and he promptly runs outside, presumably to the toilet]_

**BUTTERS**: Aw, hamburgers!

**LOLA**: _[takes another bite] _Weird kid.

_[We cut to Cartman, after he sees Butters run past him]_

**CARTMAN**: …What are her insides made of?

* * *

><p><em>[The playground. We see the kids gather round the… merry-go-round]<em>

**JIMMY**: W-well, fellas, we tried searching his bag, but I think that if he really wanted to hide the tape, he would conceal it on his b-b-b-beh…

**HEIDI**:Bedroom?

**JIMMY**: B-b-b-beeeh…

**KENNY**: (Boner?)

**TWEEK**: Ngh! Body?!

**JIMMY**: B-b-b-boh… _[pause]_ …Yeah.

**KYLE**: _[smirks] _That gives us a large area to search.

**RED**: Kyle, you noticed any tape-like things on Cartman's body?

**KYLE**: Goddamnit, Red, me and Cartman are NOT A GAY COUPLE!

**BEBE**: Okay, okay, I know you all want me to, since I'm the cutest girl in school so I will sacrifice myself and use my feminine wiles to make Cartman give me the tape!

**HEIDI**: …Who asked you?

**BEBE**: _[glares at her] _What? You doubt my looks?

**HEIDI**: Oh, please, I could seduce the tape out of him more effectively then you!

**BEBE**: Could not!

**CRAIG**: Are you really… fighting for Cartman's affections?

**KENNY**: (Hey, guys, I have a tape, don't you want to-)

**HEIDI and BEBE**: NO!

**KENNY**: (Awww…)

**JASON**: _[standing next to Kenny] _Awww…

**KENNY**: (What are you moaning about?)

**JASON**: Just being sympathetic, is all! ...Jason the Sympathetic…

**STAN**: …Look, guys, maybe we're just kinda missing the obvious. Don't you think the tape could just be in his house?

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**KEVIN**: …Hey, why didn't we think of that before?

**RED**: Yeah, that's actually a good idea.

**WENDY**: Well, that's settled, then. We break into Cartman's house.

**HEIDI**: _[sarcastically] _Really, Wendy? Do you have so much experience in burgling? Maybe we should ask for professional help.

**KYLE**: A professional burglar? _[smiles] _Well, I think I know just where to find one.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I wasn't planning on bringing back Dogpoo's gang, but I realised every single regular 4<strong>__**th**__** grader except Butters, Powder, Annie, Token and maybe Timmy is scheming against Cartman. I liked using them, though. Writing Esther is a lot of fun, I gotta use her in a story with her brother (shut up about Stick of Truth, there's no proof she can't be her sister until they give her a different name). There's a lot of Esther in this ep. Maybe I should include her in feature characters instead of either Powder or Wendy. Oh, well.**_

_**Before my mentor finds a soapbox, Red thinking Kyman is true is a joke and its purpose is to make readers laugh (probably a failed attempt, but still) and differentiate Red's characterization from all the other girls. Yaaaaaaay for misinterpretation, and I love poking fun at slash. I don't think Kyman's real. For that matter, I don't think Style's real, either.**_

_**I guess I might cut this commentary short. Thank you all for reading, and as always, please leave a review!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_

_**PS: Bonus points for anyone who gets the title reference and why it's hilarious for a fanfic title! …It's hilarious, it really is! …Shut up, I know better! GAWD!**_


	5. Tactical Geniuses

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. Thanks for all your support! Long chapter, so short A/N! I actually had to cut out a few scenes. And paste them in the next ones, but still!**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** John the Lazy (I see what you did there!): Yeah, Red might seem no more than a stereotype (ironically, she's based on a few girls I used to be acquaintances with), but I'm just establishing her gimmick for now. I promise you when she's in focus she'll turn out to be more than just a yaoi fangirl. Hey, nobody who likes One Piece can be that shallow!**_

_** Coyote: I noticed that, too! I never realised Cartman/Bebe was a thing.**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Don't worry about it, I'm late as hell with reading your stuff. I'm just glad you decided to take a look at it!**_

_** IHMSSM: It's weird reading any comments on Kevin and Esther when you just watched the Walker Brothers' Gravity Falls review where they mention twincest...**_

_** The QAS: And by never getting spotlight, he gets a lot more spotlight than he will ever get on the show! ...Attention is another matter, though.**_

_** Prucan Happen: Unfortunately, Ze Mole and Gregory won't have many appearances, unless the plot takes the boys to England or France. Which may happen, I can tell you that! I don't have anything against yaoi. I do have multiple issues with slash, though.**_

_** ConnietheRat: You mean I misspelt your name? I'm sorry, I promise I'll never do that again!**_

_**Thanks again for all the reviews and enjoy the chapter!**_

* * *

><p><em>[The central playground. We see Fiona and Lola sitting on a bench]<em>

**LOLA**: …And Bebe so far has gathered five dozen pairs of shoes! Did you get all that?

**FIONA**: _[writing all this down] _Aye, Ah 'hink sae, lass. Ah mean, Ah wuz only testin' ye!

**LOLA**: Okey-dokes, then! Now… _[getting serious] _I must go. My planet needs me.

**FIONA**: _[raises an eyebrow]_ Wh-

**LOLA**: Whoa, is that your pencil?

**FIONA**: _[looks at her pencil, finding nothing special in it] _Eh?

**LOLA**: Awesome! I'm really happy for you! I hope you have a lot of kids!

**FIONA**: A-ah dorn't 'hink-

**LOLA**: I'm going now! Bye!

_[Hops away, passing Kyle who turns his head in confusion]_

**KYLE**: What was that about?

**FIONA**: Oh, Ah wuz jist hopin' she cood tell me hoo th' other lasses ur like an' sae oan...

**KYLE**: Why ask her?

**FIONA**: Well, A've bin hare longer than 'er an' yit she's th' one who gart friends wi' them. Ah want tae ken whit th' secrit is!

**KYLE**: You've made friends with us, haven't you?

**FIONA**: Aye, but only kinda sorta nae really. An' it's nae th' same as wi' other lasses!

**KYLE**: So, any success?

**FIONA**: Well, sae far Ah ken 'at Bebe's got sixty pairs o' sheen. Rest o' th' time she'd jist talk abit hoo 'er table talked tae 'er.

**KYLE**: …Look, maybe you don't need to worry about that kind of stuff. She seems friendly enough, why don't you just make friends with her?

**FIONA**: Ah wood! An' eventually, Ah will! It's jist... Aa'm still nae sure if she's a Sue ur nae.

_[Kyle stares at Fiona in disbelief. There is a moment of silence]_

**KYLE**: _[rolls his eyes] _Look, never mind, come with me! We have a job for you.

**FIONA**: Eh?

**KYLE**: Just come on!

* * *

><p><em>[Cartman's room, we see Eric by the computer screen, browsing Lola's blog. The latest entry says "My table spoke to me! I was so proud of it!"]<em>

**CARTMAN**: Come on, bitch… Why is there nothing but gibberish here?!

**LIANE**: Hon, I'm going to the mall. Does my poopsiekins have everything he needs?

**CARTMAN**: Not now, meehm! I'm planning my awesome revenge! That bitch keeps outwitting me at every step! She's gotta be a tactical genius!

* * *

><p><em>[We cut away to Lola jumping up and down on her bed with a toy helicopter]<em>

**LOLA**: Wheeeeee!

* * *

><p><em>[Back in Cartman's room]<em>

**CARTMAN**: I have to find out something else that would ruin her!

**LIANE**: Well, if you need anything, just give me a call, okay, hon?

**CARTMAN**: Whatever, meehm! I have better things to do!

_[Liane leaves. Cartman grabs some Cheesy Poofs, but quickly spits them out, getting red in the face. We see Lola's new blog entry, saying "I met Sleepy again! I've got a feeling we'll be best friends forever! And ever! …And ever! …And reverend! And river!"]_

**CARTMAN**: That… BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!

_[The camera zooms out and shakes, we end up with an exterior shot of Cartman's house]_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman running down the stairs to use the phone]<em>

**CARTMAN**: [through the phone] Butters! Answer me, asshole! Emergency meeting, your place! We're gonna give that skank what she deserves!

* * *

><p><em>[Cartman's house, outside. We see Liane driving outside and Eric running eastwards to stop by next door, at the Stotch residence. Then we cut to the kids watching everything from behind the bushes. Esther pulls her binoculars down]<em>

**ESTHER**: _[holds up her walkie talkie] _Wendy, you won't believe this! They're both gone!Over.

_[We cut to Stan's room, where the rest of the kids are waiting for the signal]_

**WENDY**: All right, gang, you heard her! We're moving out! Fiona, your turn.

**FIONA**: Aw reit!

**STAN**: _[whispers to Kenny] _Dude, now she's in my room! How much more awkward can it get?

**KENNY**: (Well, look on the bright side, everyone else's here, too, not just Wendy.)

**STAN**: I still don't feel comfortable with this.

**BEBE**: _[writing something down in her notebook] _Does... not... feel comfortable... with girls in his room...

**STAN**: I'm not gay, Bebe!

_[The kids start to leave the room. Fiona throws a rope over Cartman's window which happens to be open]_

**FIONA**: _[pulls the rope a little to try it out] _It's hooked oop, lads! Yer room's got a marvelloos spot fer burglin', Stan, ye ken 'at?

**KYLE**: We're lucky it always smells in Cartman's room, otherwise that fatass wouldn't have it open all the time!

**BEBE**: _[grimaces, the smell getting to her]_ You could've said so before...

**KENNY**: (Okay, I'm goin' first!) _[holds the rope and jumps]_

**FIONA**: Aw reit, jist make sure th' rope's tied tae uir...

_[We see Kenny swinging on the rope and screaming in fear, as he finally crashes into the wall of Carmtan's house]_

**FIONA**: _[open-mouthed] _...side.

**STAN**: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

**KYLE**: You bastards!

_[Kenny gets up, a little bit of blood pouring from his hood down his parka]_

**KENNY**: (I'm okay!)

**KYLE**: Huh?

**MILLY:** You sure?

**KENNY**: (A few of my front teeth are missing, but that's okay, I'll shoot myself later.)

**WENDY**: ...Okay, so remember to tie the rope down next time.

**BEBE**: Did he say "shoot himself"?

_[Jason slides down another rope Fiona threw. He successfully lands on the other side]_

**JASON**: Wheeee! Look at Jason!

**WENDY**: Stan, Bebe, Bradley, Heidi, Milly, you go with Jason through the window and search Cartman's room. Clyde, you, Craig, Pip, Kevin, Red and Fiona join Kenny and pick the front door lock, then split into two teams and search the rest of the house. I'll remain on the lookout outside with Kyle, Tweek and Esther.

**TWEEK**: Oh, man! I hate being on the lookout!

**KYLE**: If there's any trouble, we'll let you know through Tweek.

**TWEEK**: AARGH!

**WENDY**: Good luck, everyone! Remember, it's all for the sake of preventing Cartman's wrongdoings, so we can't afford to get caught!

**KYLE**: Yeah! Let's teach that fat tub of lard a lesson!

**STAN**: _[before sliding down, to himself] _Goddammit, they ARE pretty similar.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Bebe's team inside Cartman's room]<em>

**BEBE**: All right, keep searching, you guys! Cartman's room isn't as big as his ass!

**HEIDI**: _[whispers to Milly]_ There she goes, telling everyone what to do...

**BEBE**: Huh? What was that about your rash?

**HEIDI**: Shut up!

**BEBE**: Anyway... I think I'm gonna get... _[coughs] _some air...

_[She opens the door and inhales deeply. Then she makes a frightened face. We see Mr. Kitty at the end of the corridor]_

**BEBE**: Oh... Hi, kitty...

_[Mr. Kitty meows and begins running up to Eric's room. Bebe closes the door from the inside in panic, breathing quickly]_

**STAN**: What's the matter? Are they back?

**BEBE**: No... Worse! It's Mr. Kitty!

**STAN**: ...What.

**BEBE**: Don't you see? The cat was trained by Cartman! He's going to scratch our brains out! _[we hear Mr. Kitty growling and scratching at the door]_ There he goes now!

**STAN**: ...No, he isn't.

**BEBE**: How do you know?

**STAN**: ...HE'S A CAT! Come on, he's harmless. Just look!

_[Stan opens the door. Mr. Kitty comes out and purrs, brushing himself against Bebe's leg]_

**BEBE**: NO! No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!

**JASON**: Don't worry, Bebe! Jason will rescue you!

**STAN**: Shut up, Jason.

**JASON**: Aww...

_[Suddenly Sparky leaps through the open window]_

**STAN**: Sparky? How did you even get in here?

**MILLY**: Is that yer dawg?

_[Sparky barks and bites Mr. Kitty. The cat responds by hissing and scratching the dog. Bebe jumps out of Mr. Kitty's "reach"]_

**BEBE**: I'm saved!

**STAN**: I mean, it's, like the second floor! How the hell did you even get inside?

**BEBE**: Never mind about that! Your dog is buying us time! Let's keep searching!

_[Bradley wonders about something and turns around as we see the two animals fight]_

**BRADLEY**: ...And now, the confrontation you were all looking for, the bitter rivals clash in an epic one-on-one-

**BEBE**: Bradley! Less narrating, more searching!

* * *

><p><em>[Liane's room. We see Kenny, Clyde and Fiona entering. Kenny immediately checks out Mrs. Cartman's wardrobe]<em>

**FIONA**: Ur ye lads sure we're gonnae fin' th' tape hare?

**CLYDE**: I'm hundred per cent sure, Fiona, just let us handle it.

**KENNY**: _[burying his nose in a bra he found] _(Woo-hoo!)

**CLYDE**: Just go and keep a look out.

**FIONA**: _[shrugs] _Aye, aw reit then.

_[Stan enters the bedroom]_

**STAN**: You guys! You guys! We found it!

**FIONA**: Eh?

**STAN**: We found the tape. Come on, let's get out of here.

_[Kenny comes out of the wardrobe, followed by Clyde. They both have bras around their necks]_

**KENNY**: (What the fuck's goin' on?)

**STAN**: Aw, guys! _[rolls his eyes]_ We're getting out, take those ridiculous bras off!

_[Clyde and Kenny reluctantly take them off and throw them away. Fiona unzips her jacket and does the same with her own training bra, causing Stan to pinch the bridge of his nose and the other two boys to just stare]_

**STAN**: _[keeping the bridge of his nose pinched] _Fione, goddammit... Just... just goddammit...

* * *

><p><em>[Outside Cartman's house, Wendy's group. We see Esther running towards them in a hurry]<em>

**ESTHER**: It's bad! Powder's here!

**WENDY**: _[pinches the bridge of her nose] _Oh, no...

**TWEEK**: Powder? Oh, GOD, NOT POWDER!

**POWDER**: _[suddenly appearing behind him, up till now hidden by the camera] _What about not me?

**TWEEK**: _[jitters] _AARGH!

_[The two girls remain dumbfounded]_

**POWDER**: What's the matter?

**ESTHER**: Weren't you... coming from the other direction?

**POWDER**: Oh, yeah, what about it?

**WENDY**: ...Well, never mind. What are you doing here, Powder?

**POWDER**: Just walking. What are you doing here? ...The three of you...

**TWEEK**: _[blurts out] _FOUR, KYLE'S AT THE BACK! Gah!

**KYLE**: _[joining the others reluctantly] _Goddammit, Tweek!

**POWDER**: ...Four of you hanging around Cartman's house. It may be just me being silly, but if I hadn't known you better, I'd think you were up to something and weren't telling me for some reason.

**WENDY**: _[theatrically] _What? That's just silly! Isn't it, Esther?

**ESTHER**: Silly indeed!

**KYLE**: Uh, yeah!

**POWDER**: You sure about that? How about you, Tweek, noticed anything suspicious?

**TWEEK**: Ngh! M-maybe? _[Esther nudges him] _GAH! N-no!

**POWDER**: Really? Cause the four of you don't seem to have anything to do with one another. Apart from the fact that Wendy used to be jellous of Kyle having slightly better grades than her and Kyle used to copy Wendy's old projects from back when Mr. Wyland and Ms. Choksondik taught us.

**WENDY**: POWDER!

**KYLE**: H-how did y-

**POWDER**: Oh, sorry, did I say something I shouldn't have? But I guess there's nothing going on here, so I'll be on my way.

**JASON**: _[from the window, reaching the rope] _Hey, is that Powder? Hey, guys! It's me, Jason! Notice me- Mrprrhrfff!

_[Heidi gags him with her sleeve and closes the window quickly, before Powder turns her head]_

**POWDER**: Wait, was that-

**WENDY**: No, of course not! _[turns her around and pushes her forward]_

**POWDER**: But I haven't said anything yet...

**KYLE**: Well, tough luck. You said you must be on your way, right? Off you go, then!

**POWDER**: But wasn't that Jason in Cartman's room?

**ESTHER**: Naaah, what would he be doing in Cartman's room? It must've been Cartman.

**POWDER**: But he called himself Jason...

**KYLE**: Well, that's Cartman for ya! Such a... kidder. Yeah.

**POWDER**: Yeah, but...

**ESTHER**: BYE, Powder!

_[The girls push Powder offscreen and she finally leaves. Kyle and Wendy stare at each other in awkward silence]_

**KYLE**: ...Let's never speak of this again.

**WENDY**: Right.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Kind of wanted to use facebook instead of a blog for Lola, but I had to remind myself it was 2005 back then.<strong>_

_**I consider Mr. Kitty to be a he, since judging from the name, he identifies himself as a male. Or Liane identifies him as a male. Either way, he's a he. Or a Beemo.**_

_**I'm starting to think Wendy ships Tweek/Esther, since it's the second time she teamed them up during this episode.**_

_**Come on, eight pages? Where do I find the space for the review portion? Anyway, thank you all for reading, and as always, please leave a review!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


	6. A Perfect Plan

_**Hey, guys, Wensleydale here. Thanks for all the reviews and enjoy the penultimate chapter of ALoL! In other news, this Friday I'm going to release a Let's Play video on my Youtube channel (I'll post the link on my profile when it happens), namely **_**Pip Plays WoW: Wrath of the Lich King**_**. Same as in the case of 50LoC, it's also going to be canon in the SPA universe. Though I have yet to decide if I am going to make it a regular thing. Still, just wanted you guys to know some of my plans for the near future.**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Coyote: It being Liane's tape would be a cool idea, I guess, though I still can't think of any reason of it being in Eric's room. Would he even care if it was some sex tape? I guess not, the cat's been out of the bag since ages ago... Unfortunately, there wasn't enough space in Season 9 to fully flesh out Heidi and Red, but I'll work on it later on.**_

_** Rhi Rhi: I can imagine it... They're both adults, Esther comes home briefly from her spy mission and tells her husband to hide a variety of illegal, unlicensed weaponry... Hijinks ensue when Tweek has to hide it from FBI!**_

_** t.1234: Unfortunately, I could not. Facebook was still in its primary stages back then and it wasn't even available to 13-year-olds until 2006, let alone fourth graders.**_

_** The QAS: The bra gag was the scene I built the entire fic upon. As for yaoi vs. slash... It's complicated and I'd need space to elaborate, because I'm speaking in broad terms. Basically I have nothing against gay romance stories, whether graphic or innocent. I'm not interested in romance for romance's sake as a whole, but I don't find it generally awful or anything. By this I mean yaoi, yuri, shounen-ai, shoujo-ai and their western counterparts. However, I'm a strong opponent of slash, by which I mean stories/artwork, where characters have to break their sexual orientation to get together with another person. By this I mean Stan/Kyle, but also, let's say, Big Gay Al/Sheila. I'm basically using Marcus Absent's definition, he's a retired author whose profile you can find on my favourites.**_

_** IHMSSM: Someone should hire Bradley for his awesome narrating skills. Maybe Marvel studios, though Stan Lee only appears in South Park in Season 17... I made a reference and I didn't even realise it? Huh... **_

_** Demonlord5000: Fortunately the show hasn't elaborated on Lola yet. If they do, I will be furious because my headcanon will be ruined. RUINED, I SAID!**_

_** ConnietheCar: Not sure what you mean, but thanks!**_

_** Jasper: But you could also say it's madness! In other words, MAD GENIUS! ...What was I talking about again?**_

_**Thanks again and enjoy!**_

* * *

><p><em>[Wendy's home, evening. In the living room, we see Kevin working on his laptop with his headphones on]<em>

**MILLY**: _[approaching him with Wendy] _Good ol' Audacity, never lets ya down, huh?

**WENDY**: How much time until you work out all the sound?

**KEVIN**: What do you mean?

**WENDY**: I'm talking about the tape.

**KEVIN**: Oh. I wasn't doing that, I was speeding up the Imperial Theme. Do you have any idea how funny that sounds?

**WENDY**: _[glares] _Weren't you supposed to be working?

**KEVIN**: Hey, this is a VHS tape. I don't see what I can do with it on my dad's laptop, dude.

**MILLY**: _[nods] _We could always just put the thing in and watch it.

**JASON**: _[suddenly appearing behind them] _Hooray! Jason will put it in! Whatever you want to put in! _[Everyone glares at him]_

**WENDY**: Oh, no, Jason! You're not watching anything with us!

**JASON**: Huh?

**BEBE**: Yeah! You almost ruined our mission with your yelling back then!

**JASON**: I... I was just trying to get us attention! Attention is good, right?

**ESTHER**: Not when you're trying to be stealthy and stuff. I should know, over.

**WENDY**: _[glares] _Esther, you're not on the lookout anymore.

**JASON**: Aw, come on, give Jason one more chance! Everybody loves Jason!

**BEBE**: _[holds him up by his collar and glares]_ Let me get this clear, asshole! You have contributed absolutely NOTHING in our team and have been JUST AN ANNOYING NUISANCE ALL DAY LONG! You have nothing of value AND YOUR TASTE IN SHOES IS TERRIBLE! Now, get out unless you want us to do that for you!

_[There is a moment of silence. Jason frowns and looks down]_

**JASON**: Aww...

_[He leaves through the front door]_

**CLYDE**: Sheesh. Weren't you a little too hard on the guy?

**STAN**: Can't blame her. That dude's unbearable.

**MILLY**: Dern tootin'. His shoes ain't that bad, though.

_[We cut to Kyle sitting on the stairs. Stan sits down next to him, still listening to the others arguing about Jason]_

**STAN**: What's up, dude?

**KYLE**: Stan... Do you think we're doing the right thing?

**STAN**: Oh. It's this time.

**KYLE**:I mean, is this right to blackmail Cartman like that? I mean, he is a bigoted, sociopathic, racist, sexist sack of crap-

**STAN**: _[glares] _Oh- oh, come on! Don't call him sexist!

**KYLE**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Why? He IS sexist! He continues to reinforce stereotypes we thought we got rid of ages ago and he-

**STAN**: SHUT UP, WENDY!

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**KYLE**: Dude, are you all-

**STAN**: I'mgonnagonowbye! _[runs offscreen]_

**KYLE**: ...Huh. Weird.

**WENDY'S VOICE**: Okay, guys, we're gonna play it!

_[Kyle gets up and joins everyone else in the living room]_

**WENDY**: _[with the tape in her hand]_ Finally we're gonna learn Cartman's secret!

**POWDER**: _[appearing behind her] _Hey, guys!

_[Pause]_

**WENDY**: _[in shock and confusion] _Wh- Powder?! How is that even possible?!

**POWDER**: Stan run out and left the door open. I thought I'd drop by. So, what's this all about? What are you watching?

**WENDY**: Huh?

**POWDER**: You're watching a film, right?

**BEBE**: Right... We're watching, uh...

**RED**: The second Chinpokomon movie!

**KEVIN**: Yeah, that's right!

**POWDER**: Oh, cool! Can I watch with you?

**BEBE**: Yeah! Sure... You'll just have to... Uh...

**KYLE**: Bring us some popcorn!

**BEBE**: Yeah!

**POWDER**: Sure, I have some right here! _[reveals a bag of popcorn she's been holding]_

**KYLE**: Uh... No, you see, it has to be this special kind of popcorn, you can find it...

**BEBE**: On the other side of town!

**KEVIN**: On the top of the Tower of Peace!

**FIONA**: Oan th' top o' th' volcano!

**KYLE**: Yeah, that's a good one!

**POWDER**: Wow, really? Huh... I guess I'll have to go now... Just let me recharge my cell here, okay?

**WENDY**: Uh, sure, okay...

_[Connects the cell while everyone else keeps being silent. Powder heads to the door]_

**POWDER**: Okay, I'm going! Bye, everyone!

_[The door closes]_

**WENDY**: ...Whew.

**ESTHER**: Guess I should still be on the lookout, huh?

**KYLE**: Wendy! The tape!

**KENNY**: (Fuck yeah, let's watch already!)

_[Wendy inserts the VHS tape and the kids quickly sit down in front of the screen]_

**WENDY**: You guys, this is it! Let's see if all this work was worth it!

_[A moment of silence. The screen shows grayscale horizontal lines and a rustling noise. The kids groan]_

**HEIDI**: After all we've been through!

**KEVIN**: No, wait!

_[Suddenly the VHS works again and there is an expectant silence. We hear faint Cartman's voice and some kind of music from the TV set. We also see everyone's (even Craig's) astonished faces]_

**KYLE**: This... This explains everything!

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Butters's house where we see Stephen and Linda in the living room. We hear banging from upstairs]<em>

**STEPHEN**: Butters? Butters!

**BUTTERS**: _[appearing from the downstairs bathroom]_ Uh, yeah, dad?

**LINDA**: We've heard a lot of strange noises coming from your bedroom, Butters.

**STEPHEN**: That's right, we thought you might be masturbating.

_[We hear more of the banging]_

**BUTTERS**: Gee, uh, but I'm right here! W-wait, what's mas-

**STEPHEN**: What is it, then?

**BUTTERS**: Oh, boy, it must be Eric!

**LINDA**: _[carries on with her sewing, unfazed] _Well, you'd better check what he's doing, otherwise he might destroy the house like last time.

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to the video all the kids are watching in the Testaburger living room. Stan seems to have got back]<em>

**CARTMAN**: [singing]  
><em>...Imagine there's no countries<br>It isn't hard tew dew!  
>Nothing to kill or die for<br>And no religion teew!  
>Imagine all the people living life in peace! Yooo-hooo!<em>

_[We cut back to the kids. Everyone remains speechless for a while, nobody dares to laugh]_

**KYLE**: I... I can't believe it. Of all people... Cartman singing to John Lennon.

**WENDY**: And all his talk about the danger of hippies... You think he's actually secretly-

**STAN**: Personally, I think he doesn't even know what he's singing about.

**KENNY**: (Uh-huh, that seems pretty fuckin' likely.)

**BEBE**: Cartman the hippie... I can't wait, that's gonna be sooo embarrassing for him! This is a perfect plan!

**PIP**: _[sarcastically] _Now wait, chaps, maybe he isn't as bad as we thought?

_[The kids burst into laughter]_

* * *

><p><em>[Butters climbs up the stairs and enters his room, dark as can be]<em>

**BUTTERS**: Uh... Eric? Gee, are you there?

**CARTMAN**: _[his voice trembling] _Come in, Butters... Come in AND JOIN ME!

_[A couple of red lights light up from different directions. We see Cartman has gathered a shitload of pictures of Lola and newspaper clippings all over Butters's room. Some of them don't really concern her, but create a kickass frightening atmosphere. The back of Eric's head faces Butters so that we don't see his face]_

**BUTTERS**: Aw, hamburgers... Eric, what are you doin'? And how did you put up all this on the walls durin' the five minutes I was gone?

**CARTMAN**: That's not important right now! You know what is?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, what?

**CARTMAN**: _[suddenly turns and faces Butters. We see his creepy grin and bloodshot eyes] _REVENGE! Yes, revenge, my dear Clyde Frog!

**BUTTERS**: Uh... Eric, are you feeling well?

**CARTMAN**: Yes, extremely well, Polly Prissypants, thank you for asking! Now, I gathered all information I could find about Lola Barbrady! And you guessed it – NOTHING USEFUL! Jack and shit! She lived in Long Island, she used to play volleyball, but was thrown out for trying to stick the net pole up her nose! Oh, you might ask, isn't that kind of embarrassing? Well, for anyone, it might be, but not for her! That bitch has no secrets and no shame! She FUCKING TOLD EVERYONE SHE MET THAT! AND EVEN IF I TOLD ANYONE, SHE ISN'T GONNA REACT! SHE'S A NUTCASE! Oh, everyone might laugh at her behind her back, EVEN IF THEY BELIEVE ME! But there's NO FUCKIN' WAY THAT'LL EVEN BOTHER HER! SHE'LL PROBABLY THINK SHE'S FUNNY AND THOSE ASSHOLES ARE GONNA BELIEVE HER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! _[laughs hysterically]_

_[We now see through Eric's eyes. Butters is approaching the fat boy through his blurry vision]_

**BUTTERS**: Uh, Eric, are you okaaaaaaooooUUUHHH..._ [His voice gets lower and lower]_

_[The image Cartman sees turns black and sideways, implying that he collapses. When he opens his eyes, he sees a demonic figure with a huge hooked nose, red hair and a green ushanka dominating over him]_

VISION KYLE: **Well, well, well, what a surprise, you found someone you actually CAN'T control! How cute. Nyeheheheheh!**

**CARTMAN**: The fuck are you doin' to me, Kahl?! I knew it was you!

VISION KYLE: **Is it me? Oh, am I such a sneaky Jew that I could create someone like that?**

**CARTMAN**: Yeah, you are, KAHL! You're doin' this just to spite me!

_[Suddenly a beautiful feminine figure resembling a familiar fourth grader in a pink beret appears behind Cartman and wraps her hands around him]_

VISION WENDY: **Or is it just you're not as manipulative as you thought you'd be, fatass?**

_[On a closer look, we see she has a humanoid-shaped dog-like creature on a leash next to her]_

VISION STAN: _[barks] _**Woof!**

**CARTMAN**: You've seen her, bitch! She keeps doing random stuff and never gets any consequences for it! She doesn't care about being weird! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FUCKING DESTROY HER WITH HER LUCK AND ATTITUDE!

_[A visibly tortured orange unhooded figure tied to a pole emerges behind him]_

VISION KENNY: **So it's come to this, Eric... You're givin' up? You know, someone pretty smart and... How do you say it? "Kewl"? ...Once told me if you're a good enough manipulator, you can rule everyone's minds. So... Why not this one? Did you find someone you just can't understand at all?**

**CARTMAN**: And why the fuck DO YOU CARE, YOU TRAITOR OF A BEST FRIEND?! Someone who fuckin' abandons me DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE LISTENED TO BY THE GREAT ERIC CARTMAN! _[kicks him in the face]_

VISION KYLE: **Nyeheheh! This is glorious!**

VISION WENDY: _[kisses Eric on the cheek]_ **You're giving up that easily? That's not something I expected of a man worthy of me...**

**CARTMAN**: Well, FUCK YOU, WENDY! Someday I'LL DESTROY YOU, TOO! I'LL DESTROY EVERYONE!

VISION WENDY: _[smirks diabolically] _**You always know how to turn me on...**

**CARTMAN**: SHUT UP!

VISION KYLE: **Oh, please. How are you going to destroy us when you can't even destroy this one girl? Pathetic, like you always are.**

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! FUCK YOU, KAHL!

VISION KENNY: **Admit it, you're giving up. And worst of all, you can't let yourself give up. You have to be in control. It's in your fuckin' nature. In your blood.**

VISION STAN: **Woof!**

VISION WENDY: **See, Eric? Even Stan agrees!**

**CARTMAN**: I...

VISION WENDY: _[whispers in Cartman's ear while wrapping herself around his arm]_ **Please, beat that skank to the ground for me...**

**CARTMAN**: Yeah... I gotta do this. But... how?

VISION KYLE: _[grins]_ **How about we give you a hint, fatass? What have you done up till now?**

**CARTMAN**: I leaked her private information... I made fun of her family... I tried to make her shit her pants with cupcakes... I told on her... There's nothing that'll work on her!

VISION KYLE: **And yet there's something that has to work on her! You said if people laughed at her behind her back, she'd just think she was funny! How about everyone laughing at her out loud in her face, though? Dare to try?**

**CARTMAN**: Huh...

VISION WENDY: _[nibbling Cartman's ear]_ **Mmm, I liked the classroom part, tell me more, Eric...**

VISION KENNY: **Pastry is always good... She'll walk like a mouse into a trap.**

VISION STAN: _[kind of abandoning his dog persona]_ **Family, woof.**

**CARTMAN**: Yeah... Yeah! This is gonna work...

_[The vision goes blurry and we see Cartman coming around and getting up quickly, startling Butters in the process]_

**CARTMAN**: YEAH! This is gonna work! Thank yew, dream versions of my closest enemies, now I have A PERFECT PLAN!

_[He runs out of Butters's room. Butters unfreezes]_

**BUTTERS**: Wait, Eric, who's goin' to clean up my room? Son of a biscuit!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Shoes. It's nice to know Bebe has her priorities, isn't it?<strong>_

_**There's a bunch of cliffhangers in this chapter... Still, I couldn't possibly have fit them at the end... I hope you enjoyed the chapter nonetheless, and as always, thanks for bothering to read and please leave reviews! I especially want you to post your opinion on the vision scene. It's a late addition, it wasn't in the original layout of the episode, but I wonder if it actually turned out all right.**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_

_**PS: Oh, right, Red has the same characterization in Coyote Smith's fic "Todo Cambia". He wanted me to say this for some reason. I recommend reading just the second chapter and not going too deep. I'm pretty sure he did not want me to say this.**_


	7. Jason's Big Moment

_**Hey, guys, Happy Holidays and New Year altogether! Sorry for the break, I figured that I posted the update either on SPA's facebook page or in the last A/N, but it turned out I only did it on deviantART and the SPU forum. I apologise deeply, not that you missed me a lot! I had a blast doing the last two fics and I think this has been a good year for both SPA and the show it's based on! Thank you for all your support and join me for the last edition of South Park Aargh in 2014!**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** John: Aw, and chapter 5 was my favourite. Maybe should've cut Sparky vs. M**__**r**__** Kitty. Jason and Powder... What would be the name of the ship? Jader? Powson? ...I like the second one more.**_

_** Coyote: It'd be quite difficult to give Pip some companions, since, firstly, they have to be dead in-universe and secondly, I'd have to have a second player in the same server that'd do what I told him to and still record at the same time. I don't trust that much in my abilities, unless I voice another character with a looooot of post-production recording. Fortunately, the video is up, just not published yet! You can watch it and lose all your faith in me this Friday! And, oh, I'm not spoiling anything about Powder!**_

_** Rhi Rhi: A little? Well, there goes the understatement of the century. Eh, to be fair, we've seen him more mad before so I guess our standards have been raised.**_

_** IHMSSM: Now young man, drugs are bad, m'kay? And where does your thorough knowledge of hippies come from, hm? HMM? HMMM?!**_

_** Connie the Fat (okay, that's just mean, sorry!): In Cartman's eyes, Stan is no more than Wendy's pet. Kinda like a lot of non-fans view him. Not me, though, but I was trying to get into the mind of a sociopath who views human relationship in his own way... Okay, I'm a sociopath, too, but you know what I mean!**_

_** Demonlord: Hey, haven't heard from you in a while. From PDP I have watched only a bit of his SoT let's play and his Existor conversations. The latter amused me quite a bit.**_

* * *

><p><em>[The school corridor. Wendy's team is standing near the lockers, looking out for Eric]<em>

**WENDY**: All right, you guys. Cartman should be here any minute now. Craig, you've got everything under control?

**CRAIG**: _[holding his mobile phone] _One click and this video is made public. Somehow I needed to say all of this out loud instead of a simple "yes". I'm weird like that.

**RED**: He's here!

**WENDY**: Okay. You guys know what to do.

**KYLE**: Wait, wait, wait! Guys… Are we sure we want to do this?

**WENDY**: …What do you mean?

**KYLE**: Are you really sure that humiliating Cartman or blackmailing him is the way to make him stop? I mean, think about what happened to Germany after World War One!

**CLYDE**: …What?

**KYLE**: Oh. It was left in complete defeat and poverty! And did this stop it for good? No! Twenty years later World War Two started! And the same will happen with Cartman!

**FIONA**: He'll start Warld War Tois?

**KYLE**: No! But instead of stopping him, humiliation will just accelerate his drive for revenge! So maybe, just maybe… If we were merciful to him, maybe eventually he'll grow out of being an asshole?

**WENDY**: …Kyle, are you high or did you just forget all the shit you had to put up with for years?

**KYLE**: Listen-

**WENDY**: No, you listen, Kyle, because I've got a feeling you didn't hear this song two days ago. First you suggest doing something about Cartman and when we finally get the chance to do so, you chicken out at the last minute!

**KYLE**: I am not chickening out!

**WENDY**: So tell me, Kyle. Why can't we show him the video?

**KYLE**: Because this is wrong! Doesn't this bother you at all?

**WENDY**: No! If there's even a slim chance of stopping that irredeemable bastard, I will take it! You are not going to guilt-trip us into-

**STAN**: _[out of the blue]_ I got it!

**KYLE AND WENDY**: What?

**STAN**: I know what the differences between you two are! Kyle, you always believe in doing the right thing, no matter what the consequences might be. Also, you're the more judgmental one! You're like a preacher or a judge in that manner. Meanwhile, Wendy is all about the consequences and the greater good – she could be compared to a politician!

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**WENDY**: I'm sorry, Stan, but… what's that got to do with anything?

**BEBE**: You don't understand, Wendy! It means he's not secretly gay!

**STAN**: Shut up, Bebe!

**CLYDE**: So that means… Who should we listen to?

**STAN**: Well… Kyle is my best friend and Wendy's a bitch. I say listen to Kyle.

**CLYDE**: Oh. Okay.

_[Wendy glares at Stan]_

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman in front of his locker, holding a parcel in his hands. As we see his face, we witness that although he might not be in perfect mental condition, he is at least trying to hide it. His face muscles twitch from time to time, his eyes are bloodshot and he sometimes might give a maniacal cackle, but he appears somewhat content. Butters approaches him]<em>

**BUTTERS**: Uh, hi, Eric… Are you all right?

**CARTMAN**: _[nervously] _Ah… Of course, Butters, why wouldn't I be? Behold, my master plan!

_[Cartman opens the parcel and reveals some sort of a pie inside]_

**BUTTERS**: But… E-eric… Isn't this exactly like with that cupcake? I mean, gee… Isn't this getting' a lil' repetitive?

**CARTMAN**: Oh, no, my friend! This pie is… something new, and yet a combination of all my past plans! Grand, yet subtle… Physical, yet mental… I can promise you, when this is over, that new chick will run back where she came from!

**BUTTERS**: _[points at the pie] _It's not her parents, right, Eric?

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters!

_[Kyle's group appears from the side of the screen]_

**KYLE**: Fatass, we gotta talk.

**CARTMAN**: Sup, Jewboy?

**KYLE**: Cartman, we have a confession to make. We have a secret tape of you listening and singing to John Lennon. _[Cartman is unfazed] _We were gonna use it to blackmail you so that you'd be nice to us. But you know, I learned something today. You can't force someone to be nice to you, especially using underhanded means. If we had done that, we would've become complete and utter assholes like you.

**STAN**: _[nods his head to the side with a smile] _Yeah.

**KYLE**: So here you go, Cartman. This is the tape. _[hands it over to Eric] _It's yours, you're free to do whatever you like with it.

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**CARTMAN**: _[smirks] _Wow. You're even dumber than I thought. I'm at a loss for words. You had the perfect chance to get back on me and your overactive conscience just couldn't let you do the sensible thing.

**KYLE**: …What.

**WENDY**: Cartman! This is finally the chance to redeem yourself! If you don't come to the right conclusion-

**CARTMAN**: Then I suppose you'll release the private video you still have on your youtube channel? I know, bitch, Powdah told me everything she recorded on her cell. That's why I had your channel blocked for copyright breach. These days it's easier than breathing.

**CRAIG**: _[checks his mobile] _Hey, it's still up. Oh, no, wait… Aaaand it's gone.

**KYLE**: Craig? What the hell?! You told me you had deleted it!

**CRAIG**: Yeah, about that… Wendy said to tell you that.

**HEIDI**: More importantly, who told Sally?

**JASON**: _[among the crowd, muffled] _I believe I can answer that!

**RED**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Who… is it?

**JASON**: _[having made his way to the center of attention] _It's me! Jason!

**HEIDI**: Jason?

**JASON**: The same! Soon after our last meeting I spoke with Powder! After all of you turned down my awesome suggestions, she was the only one who wanted to pay any attention to me! So you see, you brought this upon yourselves! Finally, the time of my big moment has come!

_[There is a moment of silence. Everyone glares at Jason]_

**STAN**: Dude! Fuck you!

**HEIDI**: Yeah!

**CARTMAN**: Riiiight… Now, if you losers will all excuse me, I have my own revenge to attend to!

_[Cartman walks away, leaving all the kids dumbfounded and disappointed. The crowd scatters, abandoning Jason]_

**JASON**: Hey, why are you leaving? This is my big moment! Yaaaaaay, hooray for Jason! Come on, I wanna hear it from you! …Aww…

* * *

><p><em>[We cut to Cartman approaching Lola in the hallway]<em>

**CARTMAN**: Hey, Lola! How are you today?

**LOLA**: Oh, hey, Sleepy! I'm great! Hey, you wanna sit with me on the geography project? I'm gonna make Albania into a giraffe!

**CARTMAN**: _[confused just for a moment] _How can you- I mean, sounds kewl, but I think I'm gonna pass... Anyway, you know, I still feel bad about what happened yesterday, so I wanted you to have this pie! Sweet, isn't it?

**LOLA**: _[giggles] _How would I know, silly? I haven't tried it yet!

**CARTMAN**: _[frowns] _N-nah, I didn't mean that literally, I-

**LOLA**: _[interrupting him] _But it's sweet of you guys, y'know? Yesterday cupcakes and now a pie!

**CARTMAN**: You just used the same word!

**LOLA**: What, bird?

**CARTMAN**: ...The fuck you're talking about?!

**LOLA**: Don't you know about the bird? Everyone knows that bird is the- _[glances at the parcel again] _Oh, a pie! Sweet!

_[Eric sighs and covers his face with his palm. Then he puts on the nicest-looking fake smile he's able to put on]_

**CARTMAN**: Riiiight! Don't mention it! It's my duty to make you feel welcome in our skeeewl!

**LOLA**: I've already been here for two months.

**CARTMAN**: Then it's all the more important! Well, catch you later, I'm gonna meet up with Butters now! Oh, and remember to watch out for the creamy filling! It might surprise you with an explosion of taste!

**LOLA**: Oh. Okay then! Bye! _[waves at him]_

* * *

><p><em>[The clasroom, Mr. Garrison is not yet inside, so chaos rules the land. Butters, standing right next to Cartman, starts whispering to him]<em>

**BUTTERS**: All right, Eric, I, uh, was meanin' to ask you before, but... what the heck was up with tellin' me to go to the sperm bank yesterday? When I told my mom that, uh, yesterday, she, uh, looked at me weird a-and told me she'd ask my dad if I should be grounded for this!

**CARTMAN**: Just you wait, Butters... You sure you asked for the name Barbrady?

**BUTTERS**: Uh, yeah! So what did you do with the goo they gave me?

**CARTMAN**: God-damnit, Butters, do I have to explain everything to you?!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, I guess not... But I'd like to know, Eric!

**CARTMAN**: Okay, okay, look! The pie I gave her has an timer-set explosive in it. I's small enough to create a small bang which in turn will blow up the pie. Where's the humiliation in that, you ask? Well, that when the "special layer" of the pie comes in! In no time, Lola'll be covered with her uncle's cum! Can you imagine the look or her face? Everyone's gonna make fun of her for the rest of her life, or even skewl! I can just imagine her hanging herself on a rainy Sunday evening... Oh, God, let it be truth!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, cum is the explosive, right, Eric?

_[There is a moment of silence]_

**CARTMAN**: Right, Butters. Cum is the explosive. It sure is.

**BUTTERS**: _[hits his open palm with his fist] _I knew it! You know, the fellas wouldn't tell me!

**CARTMAN**: I can't imagine why... Anyway, the pie will explode in Lola's face any minute now! This plan must work! This is the perfect scheme!

**BUTTERS**: _[with a genuine smile] _Uh, yeah! Except Lola hasn't opened it yet.

_[There is a moment of silence. Cartman is getting pale]_

**CARTMAN**: ...What.

**BUTTERS**: Well, look at her! It's all packed and stuff!

**CARTMAN**: B-but... It's not possible! Everything'll be ruined!

**BUTTERS**: Well, it's true! I'm just sayin', if that's your master plan, Eric, it relies heavily on coincidences and stuff.

_[Garrison enters the classroom]_

**GARRISON**: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to talk about Happy Days and their influence on-

**CARTMAN**: _[whispers to himself]_ I gotta do something!

_[He runs up to Lola's desk and picks up the box, the lid facing Lola]_

**GARRISON**: _[raises an eyebrow] _Eric, what are you doing?

**CARTMAN**: I'm just... holding up this box up.

**GARRISON**: Why?

**CARTMAN**: So that Lola can open it.

**GARRISON**: ...Why?

**CARTMAN**: It's a present.

**LOLA**: _[keeps her hands up like a surgeon]_ I'll open it later, Sleepy. My hands are busy being lava now!

**CARTMAN**: Goddamnit, just open it now! At least take it!

**CLYDE**: Can I take it if she doesn't want it?

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Clyde!

**GARRISON**: _[pinches the bridge of his nose] _Eric, just go back to your goddamn seat...

**CARTMAN**: NO! This is the time for my fucking revenge, and I'M NOT GONNA FUCKING WASTE IT! If you don't take this pie, then I'm just gonna keep standing there until it explodes-

_[The pie explodes right in Cartman's face though the lid is still perfectly in place. Almost all of the contents are now on Cartman's skin and clothes]_

**CARTMAN**: ...I-in your face?

**TOKEN**: What the hell WAS that?

**KENNY**: (Dude, is that cum?)

_[Kyle starts laughing]_

**CARTMAN**: No... No! That was supposed to be my big revenge moment!

**STAN**: Dude, that was a major fail.

**LOLA**: Huh, I got dirty.

**CARTMAN**: Wha-

_[Eric turns around and sees Lola has a little stain on her sleeve]_

**CARTMAN**: Yes! I did it! Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh! You have your uncle's cum on your clo-othes! Hahahahahahah!

**LOLA**: Actually, I think it's a piece of pie.

**CARTMAN**: No, it's not, it's cum! You are totally ashamed and unhappy!

**LOLA**: It actually tastes good...

**CARTMAN**: No, it doesn't!

**BUTTERS**: Uh, Eric, all of the white stuff landed on you.

**CARTMAN**: Shut up, Butters, this is my victory! Now you know that in this skewl you should respect Eric Cartman, or else bad things happen to you!

**STAN**: _[whispers to Kyle]_ He's already in his own little world, isn't he?

**CARTMAN**: Now let's celebrate it... WITH A SONG!

_[We come to a close with a reprise of the first song. Cartman slams the classroom door right in the casually strolling Tommy Turner's face, whose features mysteriously disappear once more when Nelly and Emily pick him up. The music starts playing, Cartman leaves the classroom and everyone else follows him, everyone except Mr. Garrison's class constituting his flashmob again]_

**_CARTMAN and CHORUS_**_:  
>Cause I want to see you cry, cry, cry!<em>

**_CARTMAN_**_:  
>Yes, I do!<em>

**_CARTMAN and CHORUS_**_:  
>I just want to see you die, die, die!<em>

**_CARTMAN_**_:  
>Mountain Dew!<em>

**_CARTMAN and CHORUS_**_:  
>It makes me happy when you cry, cry, cryyy... Cryyy... Cryyy... Cryyy!<em>

**_CARTMAN_**_:  
>CRYYYYYYYYYYY!<br>Come on and cry!_

_[We finish the song with Cartman at the centre of the school hallway, still covered in dough and semen, with his flashmob surrounding him. While Cartman is still singing, we cut to Kyle, Stan and Wendy sitting on the stairs, the Jewish boy glaring at Eric]_

**KYLE**: All right, Wendy, you were right. He's an irredeemable asshole.

**WENDY**: Yep. Yes, he is.

**_CARTMAN_**_:  
>COME ON AND CRY!<em>

_[The screen abruptly fades to black]_

* * *

><p><em>[THE END<em>

_You have been watching:_

_STAN MARSH  
>KYLE BROFLOVSKI<br>ERIC CARTMAN  
>KENNY MCCORMICK<em>

_BUTTERS STOTCH  
>WENDY TESTABURGER<br>JIMMY VALMER  
>FIONA MCTEAGLE<em>

_CRAIG TUCKER  
>RED TUCKER<br>KEVIN STOLEY  
>ESTHER STOLEY<em>

_BRADLEY BIGGLE  
>CLYDE DONOVAN<br>EMMET MACKEY  
>LOLA BARBRADY<em>

_PIP PIRRUP  
>BEBE STEVENS<br>TOKEN BLACK  
>MILLY NEAL<em>

_TWEEK TWEAK  
>JASON MCHUGH<br>JANET GARRISON  
>ANNIE KNITTS<em>

_CHEF MCELROY  
>HEIDI TURNER<br>POWDER TURNER  
>DOGPOO PETUSKI<em>

_BRAD DIXON  
>FRANCIS SILBERBERG<br>LIANE CARTMAN  
>STEPHEN STOTCH<em>

_LINDA STOTCH  
>TOMMY TURNER<br>NELLY INSERRA  
>EMILY ANDERSON<em>

_Screenplay – WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Images – JVM-SP150, WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR (the latter with the help of SP-STUDIO by JANINA HIMMEL)_

_Executive producer – WENSLEYDALE CHEDDAR_

_Consulting producer – JVM-SP150_

_Original creators – TREY PARKER, MATT STONE_

_Special thanks to – JVM-SP150, NOSEBRIDGEPINCH, COYOTE SMITH, RHI RHI, DYM, MUTT, RACHEL, KITTY, NWT, and everyone else from the SOUTH PARK UNLEASHED FORUM I forgot to mention. __Also, thanks to all reviewers!_

* * *

><p><em><strong>No, I am not obsessed with ten-year-olds' faces being covered with sperm! This is preposterous! Why would you even suggest that? The endings to those episodes just came out this way… Oh, goddammit, it wasn't intentional!<strong>_

_**...Taking a break for one week, then moving on to the next fic, called, uh... "Called to be Wild". Stay tuned for the preview (released next Monday)! I hope you liked the episode and as always, please leave reviews! Look forward to another year of SPA in 2015!**_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_

_**PS: I truly have no clue how the ending turned out this way.**_


	8. S09E16 Preview

_**Hey guys, Wensleydale here. My exams are quickly approaching and I don't know how often I'll be able to update, but for now, let's see the preview for the next episode. Oh, and:**_

_**RESPONSE PORTION:**_

_** Coyote: Butters still didn't know what cum was, though. Strange, after Lil' Crime Stoppers.**_

_** IHMSSM: ...Jader? Pason? Powden? ...Jowder? Last one might stick around. Do your classmates do cheesing, by any chance? I might have a couple of cats to spare.**_

_** Demonlord5000: Jason is somehow destined to star in horror films. I have no idea why...**_

_** The QAS: That... was really touching, thank you. On the other hand, I'm a sucker for emotional moments. But seriously, it means a lot to me that my silly fics made you smile. Thank you. Also, GIVE INTO THE CORRUPTION!**_

_** Kansas: To be honest, I completely forgot about any look shared by Kyle and Heidi. I'm becoming like Trey and Matt, I'm beginning to forget important details about my stories! Oh, and I am planning to give Fiona a female friend. Soon enough.**_

_** BonnietheCat: Thank you so much! I should probably eat a lot more cheese to give more significance to my name. Or breed more cats.**_

_** Rhi Rhi: Thanks and thank you all for the New Year wishes! Have a terrific Season 19 in October!**_

* * *

><p><strong>SPA 916. Called to be Wild<strong>

**When Sparky has gone missing, Stan is devastated. Sharon tries to cheer him up by buying another dog and Randy wants to understand dogs' nature. Stan sets off for an epic journey with some random kids. Meanwhile, Jimbo's gun licence gets confiscated. His life loses its meaning until Wendy finds him a new hobby.**

* * *

><p><em>[Outside Jimbo's house. Sharon approaches the door and rings the bell. Jimbo appears in the doorway in a white robe and a flower necklace. He smiles enthusiastically through his thick stubble]<em>

**JIMBO**: Hi, Sharon!

**SHARON**: Hi... Jimbo? What... what happened to you?

**JIMBO**: Come on in! We're just plannin' a campaign to save the forest with Wendy!

**SHARON**: What? Who?

_[She enters the living room only to find Wendy among various pieces of paper, just in the process of putting the phone down]_

**JIMBO**: Surprised, huh? I decided to turn my life around! Now I know that I have been a threat to the environment, but Wendy here helped me to see the light!

**SHARON**: _[blinks in disbelief] _Uh... Right...

* * *

><p><em><strong>I need to actually finish this before publishing. Damn my exams.<strong>_

_**Cheers,**_

_**WDC**_


End file.
